curse.

Feeling trapped in stills. Needing to get out there, a ghost passing through moving lights.

white noise made out of steel strings.

And one afternoon. just one afternoon, is enough to make me lock the door behind you. after you leave.

just me. and only me. and the impression you made.

irreversible effect, I stand still and cry a little because I know nobody will ever find out that I actually have no control anymore, over what I feel.

Just like that, fooling myself for so long. that's how I decide to leave.

I've come to agreement that I will never be ready to leave this town. So I might as well make it mine.

A hand under my skirt and I'll shut up.

and after the hunting is over, honey, I'm hungry almost all the time. No phenomenon. no explanation either. It will just happen. and never be repeated. not the same way that is.

I will open that door again to let you break me, caress me and make me cry.

I don't fear the casual. men. sex. war. games. reality.

but for the first time ever, I find myself fearing ever letting ou read through me.

that sounds ridiculous just to write. I don't want it for me.

it's a curse I want to be free of.

keep the fingers working. the mouth watering and I'll promise to keep sane.

and safe.

death to the camera

officially,

Im not taking pictures anymore.

I dont want to remember.

I dont want to register any of this.

I'm gonna miss you.

and I mean it. I have tears in my eyes to think about it. you made me hate the only thing i loved.

abstinence not making sense, absurdity and dreams

Layers and layers of attempts,

I am 6 feet deep in impressions.

illusions I created. now I want to consume.

And every name I pick from the hat, is a character I haven't written yet.

One that will name a new drink when I'm on my own trying to make a recipe work.

I've been dreaming the same dream for nearly a week now. And I mean it literally.

He comes. he takes his chances, he comes to stay. he doesn't want to let me go. I can't resist or say no. I stay. but then again, I feel like i shouldn't believe it. this is reality that never existed. Maybe I am trying to convince myself of a possibility that could never happen. I don't want to.

Bring back nightmares. Bring back my anger and my silence. suffocating desire inside of me. it is like dunking fingers in fresh hot coffee.

I don't understand you. I don't want to. and still, I feel the need of being around our nonsense. I have this impression of always been hunted by you. last time was so real. so nice, it even hurts to remember. the only time you wanted to stay and i wanted you to go. I can't do this anymore.