goodbye 2007, whatever you meant to be...

2007 was a real bitch.

Way too many bad things happening at the same time. I will never forget. It's all gone now. I'm really happy. But talking about this year always leaves a bitter taste on my mouth.

So I can say that in many ways, I'm so looking foward to what's coming next. Simbolically but mainly psichologically, the 1st of january will have such an important meaning to me. Nothing much will be happening. I agreed with friends we'll spend new year's eve in our pjs, having some healthy lentil soup, a fresh fruit salad as dessert maybe?, watching films, playing games. I think it's good to be doing what you really wanna do, instead of just what "society" tells you to do. to hell with fireworks, with loads of food waste, loads of money spent in booze. I want peace inside of me, surrounding me and the people i love. I am looking foward to that too.

I had a lovely christmas time. with friends over, a nice dinner and such special presents. Just forgot to take a picture!!!!!!!!!! which is ironic, eh?

Last week I had a real fright. I wasn't feeling great for a couple of hours, but decided to have a bath before going to bed anyway. during bath time my heartbeats started going really slow. I could hear the echoes in my head. it was almost as if I was getting suffocated with my heart in my throat. then the heartbeats started faster and faster, so loud in my head i despaired. I just remember standing up and trying to get some air. but the heartbeats were way too fast. I was still feeling suffocated. suddenly everything starts darkening and i faint on the floor, when trying to leave the bathroom for help. my luck was, when I fainted, my back hit the radiator, which had been on for a couple of hours. i burn some of my back and leg. what the hell.

I don't remember having gone through a fright like that. ever. I'm still not sure what that really was. but it could be high blood pressure. whatever it was, it made me a little bit more awake. I mean, for some weird reason, it made me really want to do things and actually do them. I won't be exactly listing them, but you get the idea. I've finally bought a new camera. which im not sure when will be arriving, but hey. no hurries. so long waiting for it, one or two weeks won't make a difference. It is not an SLR as I wanted and it is not a nikon either, but I think that for what I want to do just now, my new one will do the trick. I'll post a picture of it when it arrives!

I'm also updating my official website tomorrow.

Wishing you a very nice delicious sexy 2008. may this new year be great for all of us. much art and love in your heart.

xxxxx

melissa.

connections that can't never be broken

so good to hear from you again.

so good.

i'm making an entry in my time machine. share with you the nostalgia fuel that drove me on your path again.

some connections are forever.

you are forever.

goodbye good guy - from poisoned apple

you're a good guy, you know.
resisting me that way.

I hope you do stay the same.

I have to apologize. now I know,

I'm the poisoned apple.

sorry if I ever tempted you. You should know it's not intentional,

I just can't help wanting you

all this time.

still not sure if I wish you had surrendered

I would love to have you tasting me, I so wanted you to take a bite

i envy the control you have over this tension.

at the end the poisoned apple rottens...

but the good guy ends... as the good guy.

goodbye good guy.

let me guess

... as always. you come and go.

as fast as a rocket. slip through my fingers, never leave traces of your tempting existence.

and as always, you tease. you say you'll stay but you leave.

i bet a hundred bucks we won't meet.

damn our profecy.

...

On a bright note and not as poetic, well, things have been just normal. I've changed jobs; then changed my mood again and got back to what I was previously doing. It's been a "catching up" phase for so long now. I feel like properly starting new things. But knowing myself the way I do, I know that I better watch to not let things unfinished again.

I've been thinking a lot about the book! yeah! I want to get back to it. But I feel really down about my pictures. lack of inspiration maybe? I've been trying. But ideas don't really come to me that easily just now.

Probably the main problem's been I'm tired of using timer and rushing from behind to front of the camera. I need a model. hopefully I'll find one. But I also know that making things depend on other things just get your problems in a chain...

I'm enjoying the beggining of winter. I always feel that autumn is just too short. at least the whole cerimonial thing, the visual part of autumn... maybe there's some consolation for me. maybe winter will be windy and bring me some news. fresh air. a beautiful woman. or man...

when the phone rings

I have to confess guilty of those pre-judgement things lovers do. I'm crap at playing games and don't really like having to read between the lines. Basically, I'm no fortune teller and you're no crystal ball.

Said that, everytime the phone rings, after these long periods of silence, it's like the silence is not the only thing being broken. There's this constant flux inside of me that is broken; the rationality and peace is disturbed. I like noise, distorted sounds, I like you bursting the bubble around me. But you never get inside.

Gravitational state of mind, I sit and listen to all you have to say, I distract you with comments to avoid to answer questions, I keep the answers to myself. But you always sneak and get the information you want. it's the power you have over me that seduces me; the mystery surrounding your vague explanations and the reasons why you decided to call.

we talk silly, never like lovers. we pretend we don't know where we stand. but everytime we feel cold and distant, we go back to reactivate our connection; it's a circle of pleasure and trade. my vicious headache. I write it all to call it to an end, but there you stand, ahead of me, to read me and hold me and get me started again.

lovers don't share stories. they share memories and secrets.

we don't know what's in between our ends, but we know where to go when desire strikes.

dance till you drop... on your knees, down my...

yeah.

down my ... yeah.

could be anything, yeah?

I could bend alllllllll the possible ways.

super elastic.

Im glad my knee doesn't hurt anymore and that I'm slowly getting back to drinking again. finished the second part of "read too much, wrote too little" and now, am just waiting...

for... yeah ;)

Im happy. hope you are too.

burn!burn!burn!

literally... I was on fire. well, not really all of me. but my hand. Third degree burns as I was going to make some coffee last thursday morning. it still hurts, of course. But what it really got to me was the fact I never cared bout it too much at the time... simply rushed as much as possible to not miss the train and get at my work in time. insane.

looking at my left hand now makes me realise I'll get pretty bad scars. :( I'm no perfectionist, specially when it comes to bodies. I love the little marks and moes I have everywhere... but this burn is just gonna remind me of my stupidity. damn.

I'm looking foward to stay in and update somethings this weekend. I've been reading loads again, which is good. Making time to do all these little things I love and never find the mood for them. I guess it's always like that when you're trying to adapt to the new season. at least for me it's always been like that.

when the wrong goes right

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned how bad I am at making decisions. I don't have problems procrastinating, but I'm just terrible at long term judgments. It's so much easier just following your instincts, but unfortunately, not everything causes first impressions and therefore I can't base every move on my instincts.

I've been noticing that I do have a plan B for these "special ocasions". it's when I get absolutely too tired to change anything at all, when I simply don't have strengh to even think or re-avaluate situations, I simply turn around, hands up, and just let a word or two slip from my head. People around me usually get shocked and seem to get a perfect message from my mistaken words. Things change. for the better. how lucky I am. Or maybe, just too tired. No matter what, it's good to know it works for me.

Following the "one step at a time" process still hasn't got to me though. I can see it clearly how it ends up putting me behind schedule with so many things, but at least, keeping myself busy keeps me out of trouble. or so I like to believe it...

Have been watching some real good films recently. A matinee the other day to watch "Two days in Paris" got me absolutely tempted and I booked tickets to Paris. In a couple of months I'll be going then. I'm staying next to the Moulin Rouge, and aparently, an "Erotic Museum". I can't wait. I need a change of air. I don't know why, but I'm so sure I'll fall in love with the place. I'll let you know ;)

the eye who sees it all

Sometimes you find yourself seeking the things you already have and you don't know why. You think you're hungry, you want some food, but you just really need some spice... to make you taste things in a special way. That happens to me all the time. This whole rushing thing, hurrying to embrace everything and everyone who comes along the way, as if you don't take them along at the time they show up, they'll vanish from your life. that's starting to get changed. at least Im working on it. no hurries, no worries. just one step at a time.

wait... hang on... that's what "re-build your life" is all about?

I miss tons of things at the moment, but am so busy trying to get things going back to normal that when memories and deeper thoughts hit me, I'm caught by surprise, give myself a good drink and try not to think about it. one thing at a time, right?

But writing this from a cafe and not having my computer all set nor my camera loaded with new images really makes things harder. I keep thinking about how I got dragged to this photographic world and why. I can name people and I can remember places, I can go back in time and tell you exactly when it started... it seems like such a long time ago. I'm still thinking about where I wanna go with all this. or even... where can I go with this? Just needing directions at the moment. I feel now that I've got over some little things that got me stuck in my tiny flat. I wanna give faces or at least, some fresh energy to my imagination. Get some weird ideas out of my head and let someone else wear them. Treat it as a dreamland. Let my eye capture the beauty of the simple things, of the ordinary people. naked, of course... we'll see.

comfy seat

Excitment ahead I'm hoping. Some weird feeling of a little bit of adventure in the air. Slowly I seem to be getting back to normal. I wouldn't be going on about it too much yet, just in case... but I can't help getting excited.

I heard a little voice inside of me last time but won't do it again. promise. last thing I remember was avoiding eye contact, pretending nothing happened, denying the sexual tension, receiving a hug I would later know it was addictive. I think I might have got it all mixed up... people and memories and stories. reality and imaginary. naughty naughty. and still got the time to make the worst meal ever. thank goodness for his politness.

just feeling like it doesn't matter where I am... it always feels like I should actually be on a certain lap. does any of this make sense?

new neighbors, old lovers

You know when the bad is so bad it becomes good? or the silly is so silly that it becomes funny? My problems just become more problems and now I seem to not worry anymore, simply enjoy finding pieces to solve the big puzzles. I guess that's what they mean when they say you gotta keep positive about life. Since monday I've been living with friends in a new flat. It takes a while to get used to it, but they do make me feel home so I couldn't be happier. It's like a family away from home. I have no idea what I would do without them. And friends in general. Ive been finding all those people I feel close to, specially caring and supportive. That makes all the difference.




Last memory of my old flat was staying up and not being able to sleep as the neighbors upstairs were having some wild loving that kept probably not only me, but the whole building awake. I started listening to it and trying to figure it out... if it was just hot sex or the guy beating the girl up (oh these days you never know). but it was definetely the first. Then as it got more and more intense, I found it funny, how i could just tell where they where from the "bangs" and "oh-oh-ohs". Finally, I found it sad that I wasn't doing the same on such a nice and warm saturday night.

Which brings me to memories. I love those memories. and I just decided to replace the last memory living there, for the first memory of having "him" there. so much better. so much more intense. neighbors would get jealous ;)

moving on

New week. Brand new sleep patterns. I've been finding hard to keep awake for more than 2 hours straight. I sleep 4, then wake up and keep my eyes opened for a short period of time. I'm hoping this will no longer be happening by the end of the week. Where has all that energy gone?

On sunday I move in with friends for I don't know how long. some work will be getting done here so I'll have to clear the place before monday comes. I've been so slow these days that I don't mind all the packing work as long as I can have my wine and some music while doing it. As long as I don't fall asleep while doing it.

Talking to a friend the other day made me think about little things about my personality I hadn't thought before. I feel extremely shy, super self-defensive in many situations, I'm over protective and really quiet when I'm being myself. But then, there's this thing about being on control that really drives me nuts. I don't mind taking orders as long as I know where I'm going. I'm terrible at following directions but don't mind people telling me where to go. as long as I can do it my way. Now moving out for a few weeks it's not a problem. But not knowing when I'll be back is a big deal. Plus not knowing how about other hundred little things that are going on right now don't make things easier.

In the meantime, I'm taking my time to get to know people around me more. Eventful days. It doesn't mean it's bad or good. But I can feel this all will have an effect later on at some point.

white strikes back...

I'm tired.

One hot day, so it is. The heat does my head in. one of the reasons why I love Scotland... the cold days, the long winter. I'm still without an agenda for anything. Even to write to people I've been meaning to for ages. It's come and go from and to the Hospital. I think worse than being ill, it's to see somebody you love (or anybody really) ill and not being able to do anything about it. all that and the heat now... makes me want to scream and yell. Not one of the best times, but hey, everything it'll be fine, I know it.

Hospital, everybody wearing white, trying to look strong but feeling weak inside. maybe i had that thought in the back of my head when took this picture...

Countdown for calming down please.

Bang! Bang! you got me

Sometimes even the rain can't put you off going outside. I was downtown today just waiting to cross the street, waiting for the green light, looking to both sides and then just across the street, almost in my direction, I saw her.

I don't know her. But she saw me too. We quickly looked to the opposite direction, pretending we weren't there, opposite to each other. She was beautiful. I thought "well, no point in looking. she'll think I'm a freak", followed by "nah, i'll never see her again, better look while she's still there". and so I did.

She was looking back, I think she did feel the connection too. Coming out of nowhere, making us cross the street with our heads looking down, avoiding confrontation at first, but then staring at each other, watching each other go.

I know it sounds too romantic maybe, but it's been such a long time since I've actually gotten blown away by real female beauty so near me; physically within reach of my hands. I virtually stood a chance and let her go.

the wisdom tooth

After spending the last 5 days in pain, I went to the Hospital today. "your wisdom tooth is coming out and its just ripped your gum. you've got an infection". it is so painful. Under antibiotics and loads of water, juice and soup. all drank with the little help of my colorful straws.

I waited for a little while to be seen. I can't help but feel uncomfortable surrounded by strangers in pain and not being able to do anything about it. It's a weird situation and that's why I avoid going to doctors or hospitals at any times. If I do, I just hide in the corner and try to pretend I'm not there. Yep, I'm weird like that. I just really hate hospitals. I had one of Anais Nin's diaries with me so that kept me busy. It's the second time I read it and everytime I do it so, it all sound so fresh and meaninful. It's like my personal little "bible". so many thoughts and wisdom in there. so positive, honest and inspirational, specially if you're a woman.

I just got to the conclusion that I'll never get to finish any of my favorite books. I take such a long time to read them, and the closer they get to the last pages, the slower i get to read them. I think my procrastination is totally dissimulated. I'm not a lazy reader, just love to "enjoy" some words in a very intimate way; I like to know there's always gonna be a wise word or two near my bed any now and again I can't sleep or need inspiration.

Happy Birthday

So you got my present.

I want your presence

to be constant.

mission impossible.

I want to taste some of your cake from your lips.

save some for me.

happy birthday.

2 years in one day

Getting a letter from the H.O. this saturday and having to think seriously about my situation just got me totally nostalgic and homesick. Missing home, friends, family, job, my favorite bars, studio, you know, everything. That instant reaction of anger and lost of control took me out for a few drinks and probably saved me from taking a stupid precocious measure or something.

Walking in town, going places I've been these past two years, talking to friends, sometimes celebrating something, sometimes just giving vent to feelings, sometimes being naughty, others just being wrong and getting in trouble. Such a nice time I had, going for a retrospective in your head and actually physically being in all those places again in less than 24 hours, just walking and having a drink, sharing thoughts with a friend. Leaving home in the morning and coming back home at night, with that feeling of... have finally found natural call this place where I've been living the past years "home", for the first time.

That makes the nostalgia share space with a new feeling: melancholy. But in a good, good way.

Oh, the mess! I guess I shouldn't really mind. Sometimes boredom surprises you with a wave of events to shake you up. Not necessarily in a nice or gentle way, but still, changes are so necessary that if you don't do it yourself, there's always faith there, right on the corner, waiting you to turn your right (or left) and get disrupted. A little bit of a challenge. Of course, one of those that I would be happier in not having to deal with. But why not to see it as that? Isn't it what an artist is meant to be about? recycling (in this case memories and energy to keep going), or reinventing and/or creating (in this case, solutions)?!?!?

model? photographer? none?

Somebody had asked me the other day what I liked the most: to model or to take photographs? Now, I'm in no position to talk about categories or techiniques or whatever. But I can talk for myself and my photographs. I actually stopped to think about it and couldn't get to a final conclusion.

I've never considered myself as a "Model" as in, a professional way. The only reason why I started taking pictures with me in them, was simply because.... I couldn't find anybody to pose for me. Plus the fact I don't depend on scheduling anything; I take the picture when I feel like doing it so , no need to book appointments. That's the practical side. I got used to be in front of the camera, however, I'm still shy. And taking all this in consideration, I do feel like being in front of the camera gave me a certain freedom that I wouldn't have if I had just stayed behind it.

Taking pictures is a different business. I find that I use the pictures when I can put things into words. I like to feel the urge of expressing myself corroding my body and my brain. Turning the place upside down, rushing to get the idea right and set the timer before I just forget what I wanted to do. Before the "mood" is gone. Each click is a little thought, a little something that I carry with me and not always get the chance to put it out on a normal day, following the usual routine.

I think it's nice to mix. to set the timer and rush to position, to have a personal challenge that I'm still trying to get over with. Strange is I've taken so many years to get into this. Both are equally important for me as I try to figure out the different moods and traits sunk in me.

good intentions mood

It seems a deviant art page and a blog weren't enough for me. So I got my own website. Yep, you can check it out here if you wish. I'm uploading it later tonight, so bear with me if you go there early today and just find the annoying black page with the wee message on.

And the website is just one of the many things I still gotta do. I don't know about you, but I feel tempted by insights almost constantly. All the free time and energy I have I put into serious thoughts and with that, comes the ideas and with the ideas, the excitment, with the excitment, new projects, with new projects, procrastination. It seems I have so many good intentions and just little time. "Hell is full of good intentions", my mom would say.

I can't bear the thought of doing one thing per time. My nature - and I think this is mainly because I grew up in a huge city, developed the metropolis mentality-behaviour - is to be constantly busy; have no time to think about those other things in life (you know, real life), no time to get bored. Boredom is the word that scares me the most.

So I do my part. Or at least I try. And it's so rewarding to see things proliferating and having feedbacks and multiplying these good intentions of mine. The only bad thing is bad management of all that. And I'm trying to not get into that place. I've said it before and say it again, I have a feeling may will be a good month. it's gotta be. Hopefully full of good devious intentions ;)

introduction

Feeling too musical for an official and traditional introduction. I guess all you need to know about me will be said with that anyways. Or maybe you know it already. you are very welcome in anyway.

I don't know if it's the unexpected wave of heat in this country or what. But I do feel like my body and soul were floating on wishes and getting lost between possibilities I could never ever be responsible for. I walked through town so many times and still haven't found a cosy spot. Where I can just lean against a wall, watch people come and go, drink my coffee, write a note or two in my little brown notebook.

I've also been looking for the following things:

June Carter solo albuns
cheap tickets to Brazil
a nice photo frame to give a friend as a present
a little peace of mind
inspiration
real grape juice
my favorite soya milk
a nice and long hug from anyone who really desires me
any cool band/musician who's interested in having its music in my film.
scottish fanzines
a man with gooooooooood hands. or a woman. no discrimination ;)

I've been listening to Jesus and Mary Chain the whole afternoon. there's something about distorted guitars, witty lyrics and sunshine that really match.

Welcome to my world: feel insane, feel not quite great but never feel sorry. ;)