crush

Nice talking to you.

doing things to you, even better.

One night,

Stand.

One night, walking downtown on heels that made me so high, I couldn't see you down there,

but I felt you. I felt warmth coming from you, covering me, you stopped breathing, I stopped staring. Suddently, I crushed you.

And I knew this day would come, I told you how it'd end, you'd be crawling back to me again. and so you did. I'm not interested.

there's also this other story:

Arbitrary position, quite controvertial. who would've thought, I'd end up with who I initiated. So sorry if I corrupted you. so sorry.

but corrupted doesn't taste like guilt. tastes good. Like vanilla ice cream melting on my boiling skin. like the taste you left on my tongue last time I tangled my legs around your neck.

Compromising. I suddently thought I could disguise my enjoyment. that I could pretend I didn't want you and be the one to leave first.

Now hoping you come again,

and that I'm there to see it.

born to be like this

I told Ana and another girl who i can't really remember the name: "hold him!"

It was chaos. Boys and girls running, everybody laughing but me. They never held him. They were scared.

"Adrian, I like you". - I shouted from a small distance.

"ewwww. you are ugly. I don't like you", Adrian said to me. I didn't get offended. I didn't really care what he thought of me.

"ana!"

She looked at him worried he had said the wrong thing, and some of his friends now standing behind him suddenly were taking my side. They held Adrian by his arms. Adrian couldn't stop laughing. I knew he was enjoying it. He didn't really think I would have the balls to do it.

"I will never be your boyfriend. you are weird"

He was right. we were too different. I was the quiet type. the one people would pick on and spread rumours about. the one people would stop talking when passing by.

I approached him slowly. he wasn't that far. I saw his cheeks blushing. He was getting angry, shaking his head, trying to scape. I held him by the chin and kissed his left cheek.

He was wrong. I had the balls to do it.

I was 10 years old. He was 1 year older if I still can remember right. And I think that's how everything started. Rumours about me just got worse. I never really cared what they thought of me. and still don't care. And sometimes is not as random as it seems, I choose carefully who can keep me company.

Silent film from a long week.

exhausted. that's all I am just now.

not a regret, not a mistake or forgotten secret. I am just shattered on the floor, lying still just next to those 6 empty bottles of wine.

Rewind the tape some more. there i am, the stranger in halloween, dressed in a red leopard printed dress, cat ears and feline instinct that made me leave a table of friends to your encounter. I don't know you, just read you. you follow my directions. i lead you to the darkest spot in town . minutes later you are diving in my darkest wet spot in a hotel room somewhere.

pause right there. is it all just before we got to talk for hours, you made me laugh and blush, as always, i even forgot all the trouble i was in.

so many (how many, really?) nights later. heartbroken. numb.

it bothers me. i just dont want all the men i can have no more.

we walk and talk about what i could do. i dont want to. do anything. i don't want to rescue anything. i want to be rescued. is it hard to understand?

it is fall, cold and rainny. i love the excitment of you showing me around your new place. i do get proud. i feel happy for you. but i hold it to myself. we understand each other.

we hide and sit in your bedroom, talk about whatever. without even knowing, you are rescuing me. but as always, i run away like the bullet train rushing to the next destination.

back to that floor, surrounded by a lovely mess and the bottles of wine i never drank.

two of you.

and a lot going on.

before you know it,

im gone.

being chased by the boys and wondering if they will ever understand.

there's not such a thing as me.

im the wish to be granted and remembered. never repeated.

there's nothing i could do that would make you less of a bastard. and vice versa.

no need for me to apologize. you can thank me later.

like every other bad girl

I've just got used, babe.

used.

to your lack of touch,

and ""assholeness""

oh yeah.

and everytime i fuck, well, my mind is not there anymore.

I'm just there to take a little bit of your pride away.

the ego being fed is mine.

is it too hard to swallow, babe? i can teach how to do it.

and the more i do it, the less i care.

run away like every other day and pretend I'll be fine

cuz you know I will be. and I am fine,

I'm the only one who knows this all's got a price to be paid for.

It's getting closer now.

I will cost all your sleep at night.

the constant dissatisfaction and your inability to feel real pleasure with anybody else.

fuck yeah.

Liar

you lie.

you lie.

you lie.

But I won't say a thing. I have no sound to be put out.

Just noise that I wanna make.

on your ears.

in your room. in a restroom. wherever we happen to crash into each other.

i thought it could happen, but there's no room for your presence again. and so it goes on.

your lies that will remain your lies, that you will think I've never got right, but honestly, I really don't care.

A couple of nights ago, the poison quickly dying the blood in greenish tons of a rotten apple. one that you didn't dare to bite. I dared you. I scared you. why would you care?

it's all a big lie.

then a day later, it's all turned into a big fuck. with ingredient available at the time. dark alleys, angry approach, bitter taste of your saliva on my tongue. I offer you a drink of my molotov cocktail, the one between my legs.

and even after a big tease, you remain defeated. sitting in front of me as if resisting me would allow you a big prize. what reward is it in avoiding what has already happened... in your thoughts and in mine?

liar.

fucking hot looking liar.

i'll pretend i believe you just so i can put my hands down your pants.

open that f* door

has it really changed? I mean, everything, even a bit?

doors closed.

break in.

lock ourselves in. leave your bloody excuses behind.

and this is not a plea. or an idea. it's just a plan.

tired of the "b" way. the alternative. the fix. the "maybe next time" positive thinking.

I am in one of those moods. the anger possessing me slowly. i could use some angry sex.

or just some old friends. visiting town. staying for a while. taking me with them. for good.

what is it with this town that puts me in ups and downs more constant that its hills?

seriously, i need a long break. maybe not having holidays since april until november has something to do it with it.

I got a kitten. she's the best. my loyal company. sitting on my lap just now. love her.

and then again, i got thinking "what the fuck am i doing?". does it mean im ready to settle? i don't think so.

i mean, this is no home.

this is my penitence.

honestly.

things can happen or not. it doesnt matter. there's a world out there that im missing out big time. and no replacements are available for that.

if you have a home you know what i am talking about.

I'm talking about late nights playing cards with friends,

joining strangers and getting into weird parties.

taking buses and crossing the tropic of capricorn.

finding secret hidden places, bumping into people like me, who dont care about what they are searching for, they are just there for the trip.

loving and hating but never leaving.

i want it all back.

back, hear me?

and fuck the whole rest.

you dont really help being such a bastard, dear.

Manchester Zinefest!

So that's what I'll be doing next weekend. Im gonna be there. if not with a stall, my zines will be there somewhere for sure! and I'll be there in person the whole day probably. I'm actually excited about this. it should be fun!

Help spread the word! there's still time to get involved!

are you ready yet?

Swinging moods. Sometimes I wish it wasn't my mood that had been swinging. oh well.

I've been thinking some more about when it's the best time to go back home. I don't fit here. It's a well known fact and I think there's only so long you can go pretending it's not happening. Everything i feel clashes with what I think and vice-versa. That's not very healthy. I'm already a weird person. The type that gets confused and changes her mind so much, she ends up not making any choices. so i sit and watch them go.

Don't get me wrong, it is not as if things aren't happening. But it is the way they are happening. Whenever I have these thoughts and start wondering so much, that's when I find a new "trouble" to keep me away from thinking, of concerning, of worrying about what really should be dealt with.

But it is ok for now. I have a good feeling, even if my week hasn't been that great. I have a feeling something is really about to change.

Oh the changes that never happen... where have you been?

Yesterday I looked at you and I thought you were teasing me. Today I think you were just surrendering. Ready to get the lace around the neck. I'll take you for a walk, let you watch my heels go. just like sanity has gone... slow pace. step after step getting closer to the real fun.

the fun that has just began, don't you think? cat and mouse. hunter and hunted. the catch and the chaser. the freedom of enjoying who we really are.

on heels I'm on the go. I will let you watch me go slow.

I'll turn my back to see you crawling. I've been waiting for that, to hear you calling for me.

are you ready yet?

digesting you

I will watch you
I will eat you
I will swallow you
then ressurect you.

Still digesting your bitter taste...
making me want so bad,
teasing me so much
just throws me in the mess

what ive done, what im doing,
its for the sake of my own sanity.
my sa-ni-ty.

"should i really pursuit a path so twisted?"

I will straight my arms to reach your thoughts
contort my heart to squeeze you out of me.
I just want you out of my system.

hard to make up your mind?

Oh... so many girls, so many girls .... to choose from, huh?

Come on, sweetie... I'd never even dare to tease you and pretend I actually care??!?

Because I know what it feels like

when I'm horny, it's the first come first will serve basis.

serve me. get down on your knees, lick my heels

while i stroke you.

You go to wherever your hard cock is pointing at.

never lacking directions having so many to choose from, eh?

But at the end... it's under my leash you go to those places

one of those nights... i just feel like teaching you a little lesson,

riding you and possessing you.

then going for a very long walk. without you, of course.

tired

I am so tired of this, i wanna cry.

three ways to keep distance, only one way to break my heart

it's like a punch in the face, you know...

don't haunt me. don't fool me anymore.

i want you. still.

but you lost me.

wish all your distance and all your silence.

the silent noise that made cracks on me.

i wanna keep you

This is fresh. the flesh,

a night ago on the grass,

soon to be exposed on my carpet

you as an audience,our perversion as a one-act show

spetacular is what i see you grow

everytime one of my fingers dip in my ...

the whole idea of getting dragged from reality right into our secret,

it's enough to blind me

to shadow my excitement

to make me want you more and more

more of me for you to share, i hope soon.

i hope soon to be in despair, needing a closer approach from your mouth

all over me.

i wanna hold to your excitment as you hear me breathing heavily

im sensitive to your charms and touch.

the way you hold me and pull my hair

the everything you do

translates to me as an ocean of pleasure

that i cant contain any longer, i need to expell,

i want you to dive in and stay there

as long as you want, as much as i need

a memorable taste.

the trace of you running down my lips,

now i that I have you in my system

i wanna keep you.

resent you

The only thing i collect these days is:
imaginary friends.

lonely company you are,
always in my mind
but non existent to what i really need.

I resent you.

letting myself down

I am not trying to fool myself about all my said problems.
They are not organic. they are just sentimental experimentation.
Once created, they just multiply by the second. They simply develop out of control.

I'm not the creator anymore. not once birth is given and they are exposed.

Lately, typing has been harder than it should be. If every now and again I lack the time, or sometimes, the words; now I lack the courage to fish them out of my heart. What you see on your screen is just what's been imersed in the darkest part of me. Not a problem on sharing it; I just feel as if the words typed should be spoken. and if they do, who should be the listener. Lately, it is right to say, I've just been confused.

I had a lovely time with friends last night. It is always so great to listen to intelligent people. I also find fascinating to watch how people articulate their feelings; how they express them, how they compress them to finish a sentence or two. I felt so lucky to be surrounded by beautiful, inteligent and talented women. I admire them so much, they probably don't even know it. I sat there for quite a while, wishing I could see life through their eyes.

But I can't. I complicate the complication. I question every little absurd that doesn't really have to make any sense. I feel and feel and feel and forget to think. rationalize my impressions and questions is something i could come to terms with. So after the lovely conversation and great night, I just left the place feeling sad that I know exactly what i need and want. but will never have the guts to go and get it.

Somebody asked me recently if I'm easily distracted.
I didn't even hesitate to answer: yes.
But who needs attention when all you want is to live safe and sound in your little shell? What people perceive from me is pretty much creation of their own minds. It doesn't concern me or even bother me. I like to think I'm a hundred different people to a hundred different people. if that makes any sense. But to myself, I'm just an eternal waiting-state calamity.

I could never feel sorry for myself. As I said, lovely friends and a life i quite enjoy are simply more than enough to keep me happy. But I do feel heartbroken. let down by not having control over my own emotions. feeling like the little shell's got many cracks but no aperture; no door where i can let you in. or can let myself out.

on that note, you come through in small doses, from time to time. and the wait crushes me.

counting down

tic

tac

tic tac tic tac

you know, that sound that echoes?

my heels being dragged out of the room.

you don't have much time left and I'm not the "i'll leave you a note of goodbye" type.

plans for the end of the summer

Well, I'm happy there are plans to be followed. I have now a 4 months agenda to follow, from getting projects finished, to travelling again. It is exciting. I can sense good changes on the way. I'm hoping so. It will be good to go away for a little while.

I was so happy to hear M. is gonna be posing for me again. I love interaction. I love to be able to be behind the camera only. to only worry about directing and composing the picture. I'm excited about it because lately, I've been falling into insanity. Taking pictures like crazy but just for the sake of it. I've been questioning myself and I want to go a little step ahead this time. I want to photograph pleasure and guilt at the same time. let's see how's gonna go.

It was good to be out the whole weekend. Walking different times of the day/night, ruling where I stood. Leaving traces of what my mind's been plotting: taking over your reason.

Every now and again I'm swinging moods. The past week was the closest I could get to the good well behaved girl. the repressed thought that turns into physical strength.

myth.

a joke.

lies.

training to the day I turn a corner and see you going my way.

a slap on the face, I want you to feel your skin burn when you think of me. Like I used to blush everytime I'd hear your voice, I want you to feel restrained by the invisible ropes around you. the ones you thought you'd use to get me. too late now. too late.

quick,

right over here...

under my skirt

against the wall,

you'll think you're in luck

are you?

it goes something like this...

OH!

thunder....

a storm

you knocking at my door, but I won't answer.

I think you know sweetie...

there's no answer. for a while.

I played your game, now it's my way

I will rule your sanity and decide whenever you can get in. sorry to dissapoint. there's no way you'll win.

I love feeling this powerful,

knowing you will want some

of what only i can offer.

game over baby.

how it's gotta be

it seems so wrong to be this upset but I am.

What is it this thing you do...

I am exhausted, I can not even be too angry.

I just feel numb.

the phone rings, im not expecting it.

after all this time?

"where have you been?", I dare to ask...

then you tell me. then i accept it. then we pretend things will start from where we stopped,

but not this time.

"so what have you been up to?" and for the first time I hesitate in telling you, I dont say a word because I dont want to, I dont know what to say, so I say nothing.

nothing like the silence you wrapped me with.

Gosh, I am upset.

sitting here, just thinking, why the fuck you bother.

if i asked you, im sure you wouldnt tell.

thats when we turn opposite directions.

have a safe journey.

my tornado

I think I'm ready to go.

leave this town and all the ghosts

haunting my sleep

possessing my hands

making me do things only you could guess

try and picture,

this and that

is it any difficult?

maybe i show draw you a picture,

maybe you should just forget

one, two, go go GO!

Go to hell, bloody hell, burn with me and my sins , the way you like it, the more you want it,

oh you can have it,

but baby, you must be going insane

Like all your other names and personas you create

like all the lies you tell yourself so you can still look straight when you are looking at the mirror

Im ready to go.

cry and run. hide and seek

burn and burn

and forget.

ghost rider

Do I feel a little hint of dissapointment?

Did I just see right? you thought you could hide...

come and go, come again

next time you won't be crossing my way.

yeah... tired of playing the silent game. again and again

Funny this thing about charm and power. You might have something I wanna ride,

but I'm the only one in this town who can share that passanger side

on the backseat,

back in time

when i wanted you so bad, you made me cry

there was nothing more than a uncontrollable wish

of exposing you everything i felt

no more rides, no more cars,

no more strange desires or lies.

you had me this close.

I am walking out of your way, first right, second left

out of your sight, into my world of perversion

quite an impression you nearly made on me.

always for a good cause?

what is a good cause, anyway?

I don't remember ever doing anything that didnt start of good intentions. not even a tiny little thing. I like to believe that what we do kind of multiplies and echoes in the air; the good intentions, the acts of kindness, the positive thinking, the passionate speech... it's all there, around you. surrounding you and wrapping tight all that is part of your reality. bringing back to you what came out of you. you do good not expecting to receive good back. but you do it knowing that everything you do has a consequence.

It makes me sad sometimes to think that some people around me can be so sad about themselves, so insecure and so unispired, that when the possibility of getting into a good cause, a new opportunity, the chance of sharing a dream with someone... they just act like thick eraser blocks that go on trying to run over your dreams and aspirations as if they could prevent you of getting it done. they end up not erasing anything you have written, but they leave a continuous blur on the paper you had painted with your ink. with the best of your intentions.

people like that make me feel like you can never be safe from the negative spaces in the world. they are afraid of getting it done because of their fear of failure and im so quite the opposite of all that. i fear not trying, not getting anything a chance, i fear being unfair and insecure, so i hardly ever say "No" to anything. it can be bad sometimes, but thats how it works for me. I can live knowing that i never understimated or ignored a possibility, a potential. i can't go on tormented by neglection or lack of confidence to make my own decisions and follow my own path.

i hate taking friends with me in certain journeys, because they usually give up half way of our path. and even though no matter what, i will keep going, the baggage they leave is heavy and i am left carrying it till the end.

i hate cowards and blank page people. the ones who dont have dreams, who are ambitious but dont have balls to "do it yourself". but i might keep quiet just now and concentrate in the positive, in the dreamers and believers that every now and then, fall from a cloud right on my lap.

i wish i had told you

I am emotionally exausted. after a long exciting weekend. after sleepless two weeks of worries and paranoia.

It's probably because it's near my birthday week, and I always get the blues. like this.

pale blues. i feel like hiding from the whole world.

I realised today that there are things that have to come to an end. they can not last. not realisticly. you can prolong life, but you can make it immortal.

this is our situation. it is almost a curse. today i felt heartbroken. i felt jealous and hurt, even though i know i shouldnt. I felt like crying in front of a stranger. but i didn't do it so.

I came home and wondered instead, what my tears would feel like running down my face as a warm warning on what ive just lost. when the phone rang, I wanted to say "i like you." but instead, i played the cool, trying to be mature game. i pretended i had control over what i felt.

I wish i had the guts to say: "i cant see you, because i like you. i can't talk to you because i want you and i know its not reciprocal. i did let feelings get mixed with the whole point of this thing that happens every now and again. "

if i remember right, i could only say

"you know, its not of my business. so i dont want to know about your private life".

that doesnt really translate well, does it?

what the fuck. 27 years of nonsense making way to some more.

you're twisted

I can't believe how many times I've read and heard the same old story

I got dragged into your game. I fell for it. fool of me. fool of me. I gave you what I thought you needed. but I actually was just serving you for what you wanted.

You're twisted.

and same old, same old... you're just like the others.

there's nothing that can put the scattered pieces together again. your breath on my neck is just a hurtful memory. I will remember to bury your seed in my womb and give birth to irony, to repulsion. to allergy of your lies.

you're twisted, but I'm a twister.

I can cross red lights without a scratch. I can turn every one-way left you see.

I can speed limit my heart when i see you and let my mind break all of a sudden,

but our bodies will never crash again.

take note of what im writing,

I'm here just to remind you of your loss

maybe it was for my gain.

I'm a twister. ready to take every single good thing you've done the past years with me.

on the corner of silence and uncertainty

I get surprised how little coincidences happen every now and again and get me totally not prepared for them. Its like a comet in the speed of light coming right behind you. you cant see it, but you feel it coming. you never bother moving. you want it to cross your way.

This afternoon, searching for something else, without even thinking much about it, I came across some old e-mails and got myself reading them. Trying to place myself in time and recognize some of the things i had said and everything that was going on at the time of that correspondence thing.

A lot was going on. And I miss that. I got sad for a little while this afternoon because, I know without a doubt, that there's no way things could be like when it all started. I felt as if it is really time to let go of all this. accept the natural way of things and just let it be. let it go.

I also know that I am always talking about this. about the last time, that always happens. and then again, and again and again. I am always talking about how it is the right time and how it is definate. and everytime I say things like these, I truly mean it. I really feel it the way im saying it. so i spit it out. maybe in an attempt to keep it out of me, to not swallow the truth, to not keep the inevitable. but I end up just staying starving, on an empty stomach, digesting denial.

I find it hard to be extremely honest to myself and to balance all principles and feelings i have towards life. it's gotta be challenging, i know that. but it is hard to keep harmony when you've got your brain and your heart always arguing. always disagreeing. So I end up running to the corner of silence and uncertainty, looking for a place to hide. I take a seat to wait in silence. just to realise you are next to me.

that is probably why we always meet. you always come across my path. thats why so many ends and never a beggning. never a development. never eye contact that could show me what you really feel.

your flavour

Eventful weekend. Being on my own for a change. Phone not ringing, nobody knocking at the door. A great empty and new space to explore with my camera. Wine. grapes. Cherries.

I felt like I was free just like I used to be back in 1999. Or was i?

I am happy. A little bit scared. Tomorrow is the day I hand my portifolio in and have an interview. I still have a statement to write and have no idea where to start. I don't really know how to be academic. I only know how to do things by following my heart. Thats how i got here anyway. i will be expecting some good vibes coming :)

the flavour in the title... its yours.

in my mouth.

I still remember.

I kept cherries to share.

but you never came.

There is little I know that can put me off. teasing is one of them. Because I do always go after what i want. "dont leave me wanting". it will be like a long exposure process. and the results can be quite the opposite you wanted.

I am happy though. happy i chose to not wait for things. not anymore =)

a little bit lost, now i am found

There are days that I can only serve procastination. Usually, when I have loads to do/say and don't know how to say/do. I have problems about categorizing. about giving priorities to things.

After my trip back home, I just felt annoyed. with everything and everyone. here and there. Thats when I realised how strong of a woman I must be. Not saying Im that great or perfect or even special. But I do hold my horses and keep cool even in the middle of a storm. I felt really cool. good about knowing i could count on myself.

does it make any sense?

...

I'm keeping cool. changing my mind about things as always, but at least getting things done.

Another zine is ready. hopefully, the final of the trilogy. i never even intended it to be a trilogy. Scary.

All those stories... 3 years old!?!?!

3 years of tension. of waiting. of dissapointment.

time to put it to an end.

an end.

I still fear certain connections. the power of attraction and all those involuntary chemical reactions. of you. and i. stuck in a room. last time i knew, it wouldnt happen again.

But i do wish you good things. I am hopeful I won't be just a forgotten memory.

I will always keep you safe with me, no matter how deep i'll have to hide you.

for the best

if we had a proper goodbye,
I know I would never part.
I would have given myself completely to the moment
embrace your warmth and not think much about

about us and what we could never be.

if i had stayed, you would break my heart
again.
so i rather part and not let you part
what is already divided in two.

keep my memories safe.
one day
I will return to get it back
from you. not anyone else.

watching...

everything and everyone.

i think I got so used to be behind the curtains, watching, in the darkness, teasing, being a pair of eyes, a childish sweet voice... i forgot what I had to say.

So today I woke up to shake things up a little.

Scream and dance to the distorted and dirty sound of this city.

I love sao paulo. it breaks my heart to see it so forgotten. so not recognized.
I´m ready now to explore this place like it was the first time.

back home

i forgot what is like to be myself.

right now, i just feel abandoned.

sinking in my sofa...again?

I can't help looking back and realising I can put this crazy mix of expectitions into years.

we extended our tension to make it last.

honestly i fear in 1 or 2 years time we'll be still coming and going

back and forth

like we do.

one more time sinking in my sofa and I will dissapear.

i hate to want to see you. then i love to see you. then i hate to see you.

"this time will be different", I keep saying to myself. but actually hoping it won't.

what is it gonna be of us in a few days time?

sun bathing

it's in anger that I find the most fragile existence. I mean, my very own fragile existence. In anger I see the world as a hurtful place, a tricky chance you take and can't take it back.

I'm happy some days are not as good as others. It's good to have a comparison, it's good to feel the difference...

... I've been missing that. feeling things are different.

I think not having ideas for pictures is really bothering me right now. Usually it's all so instantaneous, so automatic. I've got a feeling, an impression, a dream, a wish.... then i capture it in an image. i collect these thing almost as memories collected in a journal. I've been having eventful days, inspiring nights and have been enjoying it a lot.

But then there're days like today. I feel it running in me. I'm carrying these things; I know they're there. not anger... but things to say. but I can't capture that. I can't let it out. I can't give it a "face", or a name. so they are kept inside for now. it's probably what bothers me.

today i wanted to take a picture but didn't have any reason. didn't feel the need. just wanted to do it. so i threw myself in the kitchen. down on my knees, i sunbathed in silence. maybe im just missing the bigger picture here.

if i look back...

... i only see confusion.

I've been sooooo slow this week. batteries running low i guess. Needing some rest. need stop questioning things.

you know, things just happen.

like me and you.

like everybody else's mistakes.

today i got back home wishing i was more helpful to my friends. I don't know if I come across as a person who doesn't care and that worries me. Because I do think about them all the time. And yeah, I'm talking about you, you and you.... across the ocean, thinking of me. you in the eastern part of this continent, reading me, you just next door or just 4 train stations away about to meet me in two days time.

maybe it's the full moon just starting.

promise me something? if i ever come across you again, take me to the last floor of any building, and invite me to dance. just once. maybe dancing to "no moon at all". maybe just to the sound of the city partially going to bed.

i want to move in your rhythm and know, at least for a minute or two, what is like to be in your shoes.

my hair, your hands. your heartbeats. embrace.

You comfort me when I'm like this... feeling out of water.

you offer me gin when I feel like this... like sobbing and sinking in missed opportunities

you hold me in your arms in nights like these... the ones only we know exist

i could sleep in your arms forever. i hear your heartbeats. you're excited. maybe the attraction makes you feel uncomfortable...

it is just so sweet, in a level only I can measure. i like to know a side of you that nobody else does.

when you close that door is all back to normal. stepping back to reality is just what there is to it.

back and forth forever

There's something really romantic about my past.

Everytime I get in touch with everything/everyone who had to stay behind, I feel like roots have been burried underground and are now so long, I never really lost touch with them.

Roots just grow stronger with time.

It's just that they are not on the surface, you don't really recall them all the time, but they are always there. always connecting you with the rest. with your structure. because that's what past is right? it's what builds and shape you. it's what makes you know where to go when you have to move on.

Talking to friends this week, getting excited about these holidays back home, makes me feel powerful and brave. it's not always that i feel like adventuring in the romantic waves, or that i feel like really giving heart and soul to fate like I feel doing this.

I realise I didn't buy tickets for a holiday. I've bought tickets to travel back in time. I can't stop thinking and wanting to be there so much. i want to dedicate one day to each of my friends. like getting into their worlds for a day/night and share with them my travel machine.

dissapeared

somebody stole my cellphone yesterday :(

I just can not believe some nerve some people have.

and I can't believe I can daydream in such a high level, people can just take things from me and I dont even realise.

lame.

brief encounters that never happen

There's power, and I mean literal power, in the hands of a man who knows women better.

I find myself attracted by the least probable traits you could think of. I love consistency and controversy; but I also love simple plain things.

Many tried to take out of expectation, what only belongs to me. The heart that I wear under the sleeve never shows when I'm naked under the sheets. I like the idea of just giving yourself to space. orbitating in other worlds while your flesh lies there; while your body equivalent of a meal for 2, feeds only one starving mouth. going back to yourself when climax is reached and realising you wouldn't be able to tell what happened there. while you were out and he was in. you out of your mind, him inside of your wet redness. you can picture his relief face as you look at your own cum in your hands. you rush out of that place, cursing space for kidnapping you; blaming his eyes for being so hypnotic; feeling the warmth of his fingers everytime you touch yourself again. loving holding the memory that only you can portrait; out of imaginary encounters, fading into surrealistic dreams.

out of the ordinary

I left work earlier yesterday. I don't know why. I just wanted out of there. I took the bus, got some milk at the corner shop before coming up to the flat.

I got two blankets for extra warmth. Put "Lost in Translation" on. watch it and get all euphoric. Every time I watch that film, I find tiny little pieces I didn't see there before.

I'm ready for my white russians now. About two drinks later I put "Before Sunset" on.

Then I just realise my tuesday had just began.

you need just a little sparkle to start a huge fire. I had forgotten that for a good day you just need to make sure you get to see that tiny light somewhere. for extra warmth, get a double blanket.

the blurry town as how i see it when im walking to work at 6 am. cellphone picture.

the honest, the bad and the out of control

Through desire (not necessarily only sexual... desire for anything in life) I get that little "push" to something that can be good (or maybe not); it's the desire that gets me in touch with new possibilities and pleasure; it's how I get to feed the different "personas" inside of me. it's How i get balanced and live reality and dreams. all at once. I believe we aren't only one thing. we have so many aspirations and talents and thoughts. there's not such a thing as "single" in personality. we're a mix of many different beings.

So all that being important to me, I do feel as if I can get out of control sometimes. I am very passionate about what i believe and i dont see limits when i desire. i think lust always gets me blind before I know it, so sometimes, I try to lean on the reason side to try to balance things. When we talk i dont want reason. I am instinct. i am raw animal desire. I am whatever you let me be.

that said, now I need to dive into sobriety. Undress the touch I still feel from previous nights. But I also feel the need of contradicting my reason, of letting it take me no matter where it takes me, the need of feeling this great state of mind.
It is true, you're a seducer. You play my game but follow your own rules. I've never been on the other side of the table and maybe that's why sometimes i cant be sure if its the right way.
deep in thoughts, deep in myself. your voice penetrates my soul as my fingers penetrate my wetness. I fear men like you.

the power you can have over me.
the charms you can use and I can fall for.
It is just more contradiction to my books.
I want to get closer. but i also want to keep distance.
i want to feel this warm through the whole winter.
watch you fall for me the same way.

There is, I must say, the danger of losing the reason. i am never sure if would be right to let it all out. all at once could be an overdose of whispers; temptation; my pleasure expelled in the loudest sound; my orgasm in form of a river. my body contracting spontaneously with intensity. recovering sanity after all. but not really knowing where i am.

tree soul free mind

I had a musical day. Wrote a new song. Recorded that and a cat power song, just to test the new settings for the microphone on my computer and to hear my own voice catastrophe... it didn't sound too bad I think.

The strangest and most cinematic dream Ive ever had came to me last night, probably as a result of long amazing conversations about life, creativity and tension. Words and sounds I will always remember.

You know when people are connected to you somehow because it's not really what they do to you, but sometimes just the things they say can be a moment of enlightment; put you on the spotlight of the "figuring out more about yourself and the world" show. You hope those moments keep happening. But not necessarily there's any control over what touchs you or not. It just happens. just like that. you let the light in your soul and that stays.

I dreamed of being a tree. of being a woman and being free. of being amazed by being able to see things through other people's eyes. There's a lot of meaning in that for me. Subtle, but very meaninful, you recharge yourself with inspiration and suddenly so many doors open. One can only hope to not be too greedy. with being fed with such amazing thoughts and dreams.

I feel like diving in a lake of sobriety and then drying under the heat of tension and inspiration, creative status, intense exchange of desejos.

a walk in the wild side of colour land

Just for tests. I've got a new camera after all. I still think that my colour pictures are no good, unless they are more "experimental" like the ones on my website, using external props and textures. i don't know.

I'm so tired right now. It's been one of those busy weeks. busy is good. but my brain is in need of a good rest. when I close my eyes all I think of is just a warm bed, some nice vanilla smell and the noise of rain outside. I am in so much need of a good sleep. no, really.

So I skipped Camera Club night on thursday. bad girl. very, very bad. I still find it really inspiring and great, but the weather here seems to put me on a "maybe next week" kinda mood. Not only that, I still have loads of deadlines and writing to do. I am procastinating so much.

I can't complain though. things are falling into place. I've got my tickets to Brazil; which means adventures, old friends, my lovely sao paulo city waiting for me. its almost two years now since last time and last time i didnt even manage to see my friends. according to plans, its gonna be a week of celebration at least. the other weeks i'll probably be just enjoying home, family, my cat. I'm excited to see what fantastic projects friends have in store. exhibitions and shows. I'm looking foward to be singing again. recording something maybe? oh i miss that.

on the 14th feb I'm taking a friend for the gala opening night at the Glasgow Film Festival. I've got my pass already, which is just great. another little thing to keep my countdown going. It's so great to see how the quality of the festival keeps just getting better and better every year!

So overall I feel not so full of energy but definetely more productive. very contracditory but much more loyal to my plans, you see. snowing falling outside and suddenly my heart melts. I'm hoping my daydreams become endless dreamy state reality.

through your eyes, trapped in stills

I will let you walk away this time with the most precious of my treasures.

I will hug you goodbye. You'll rush out under the pretext of the bad weather and driving conditions.

I will close the door and not see you leaving. I will feel like hiding for days.

"It's the awkwardness", I'll think. "it's the moon..."

I will sit in silence, still feel the body warm against the cold wall; your presence is not here anymore. I let you leave and take my memories with you; you're the ghost who took my nights of sleep; you got what you needed, you may rest in peace.

it'll be a terrible mistake to not approach me.

I will let you see me the way you look for...

what happened? that's what I ask!!!!

do you also get paranoid every now and then, about getting secret messages hidden between the lines? I do have that feeling all the time. So for every word on the screen, I'm reading two or three sentences. I hate this sort of thing. It's like de-coding things that don't even exist. yeah, I'm weird.

Googling something the other day i found the link to this camera club website. I decided to click on it since my search was for something else totally random (i think i was looking for a map...). For my surprise, the Camera Club is just... 2 minutes walk from my place!!!!! It sounds really interesting too. Not only they have a darkroom, a digital studio and other facilities in there QG, they have regular meetings and debates; different groups of discussion and eventual competitions... I might be wrong, but the whole thing sounds like is meant to be.... so I finally come to write them and ask for membership requirements... They seem very friendly and open to new members, so next thursday I'm going to their meeting to see what's like and hopefully become a member!

It is exciting. I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing and where I'm going and no matter how many times I change my mind about a thing or two, there isn't a doubt that I should do something, move on. get out there and make myself heard through other ways than "internet" and the postal service.

It is weird though, putting my "face" out there together with my work. I've done it once and it all felt so surreal. having changed my name and exposing myself so much with my work always gets people confused. You end up seeing people expecting certain behaviours, certain attitudes that not necessarily relate to what I do with my writing and my photography. It's always beenlike this with my music, since I was very young. I remember someone saying that this whole contrast between my persona in reality and my writing and photos ends up adding "character" to what I do. It is weird to make an identity out of not having one. But remember posts ago when I mentioned the freedom of expressing myself for not putting my face on my work? well, time to shake things up and embrace what is up for grabbing. I'm up for it. Bring me love, make me come... to you!

Please insert here your name

Yeah, you.

One of the presents I got for xmas was this beautifully handcrafted notebook. The cover's got some lovely green dry leaves on it. It smells like earth. like my childhood. I love it. I decided to make it a journal. a paper journal. My first entry was just so weird.

I actually stopped and thought through the whole thing: what do I really want to write about? it's a journal, so basically not only I can write the daily events but I have that sort of "sense of security" a journal gives. the privacy, the freedom of writing exactly what you think.

It got me thinking about anonymousness and the trap you fall into when you have freedom of expression in your hands. have you ever thought about it? have you ever lived that? Having so much freedom, not knowing what to do with it. not having excuses to be your true self. turning the joy of freedom of expression into fear of what can come out of it. This is not a complaint. not at all. it's just recognizing the price of things. pointing at the irony of the human nature and it's continous lack of directions or sense of certainty. Nothing major, you see.

As for the journal, well... I have my stories to tell. Specially reflecting about the last year, the past 3 years actually, since I moved here. the people I've met. the people I've loved. the people I still care about and are now gone. I came to realise that I will never be able to truly write about them openly to a crowd. I'll keep them anonymous to the world; and keep their importance anonymous to themselves. my most valuable treasure is hidden deep under my skin.

So when I'm always writing in first person, referring to the second person; honestly, you can consider "you" ... yourself. Reading this, already makes you a potencial part of my "art"; whatever that means. everything might sound very generic at times, but I'm hoping you can see a little bit of yourself in one or two words I write at times.

I read you, I see your pictures, I hear you, I heart you.