ghost rider

Do I feel a little hint of dissapointment?

Did I just see right? you thought you could hide...

come and go, come again

next time you won't be crossing my way.

yeah... tired of playing the silent game. again and again

Funny this thing about charm and power. You might have something I wanna ride,

but I'm the only one in this town who can share that passanger side

on the backseat,

back in time

when i wanted you so bad, you made me cry

there was nothing more than a uncontrollable wish

of exposing you everything i felt

no more rides, no more cars,

no more strange desires or lies.

you had me this close.

I am walking out of your way, first right, second left

out of your sight, into my world of perversion

quite an impression you nearly made on me.

always for a good cause?

what is a good cause, anyway?

I don't remember ever doing anything that didnt start of good intentions. not even a tiny little thing. I like to believe that what we do kind of multiplies and echoes in the air; the good intentions, the acts of kindness, the positive thinking, the passionate speech... it's all there, around you. surrounding you and wrapping tight all that is part of your reality. bringing back to you what came out of you. you do good not expecting to receive good back. but you do it knowing that everything you do has a consequence.

It makes me sad sometimes to think that some people around me can be so sad about themselves, so insecure and so unispired, that when the possibility of getting into a good cause, a new opportunity, the chance of sharing a dream with someone... they just act like thick eraser blocks that go on trying to run over your dreams and aspirations as if they could prevent you of getting it done. they end up not erasing anything you have written, but they leave a continuous blur on the paper you had painted with your ink. with the best of your intentions.

people like that make me feel like you can never be safe from the negative spaces in the world. they are afraid of getting it done because of their fear of failure and im so quite the opposite of all that. i fear not trying, not getting anything a chance, i fear being unfair and insecure, so i hardly ever say "No" to anything. it can be bad sometimes, but thats how it works for me. I can live knowing that i never understimated or ignored a possibility, a potential. i can't go on tormented by neglection or lack of confidence to make my own decisions and follow my own path.

i hate taking friends with me in certain journeys, because they usually give up half way of our path. and even though no matter what, i will keep going, the baggage they leave is heavy and i am left carrying it till the end.

i hate cowards and blank page people. the ones who dont have dreams, who are ambitious but dont have balls to "do it yourself". but i might keep quiet just now and concentrate in the positive, in the dreamers and believers that every now and then, fall from a cloud right on my lap.

i wish i had told you

I am emotionally exausted. after a long exciting weekend. after sleepless two weeks of worries and paranoia.

It's probably because it's near my birthday week, and I always get the blues. like this.

pale blues. i feel like hiding from the whole world.

I realised today that there are things that have to come to an end. they can not last. not realisticly. you can prolong life, but you can make it immortal.

this is our situation. it is almost a curse. today i felt heartbroken. i felt jealous and hurt, even though i know i shouldnt. I felt like crying in front of a stranger. but i didn't do it so.

I came home and wondered instead, what my tears would feel like running down my face as a warm warning on what ive just lost. when the phone rang, I wanted to say "i like you." but instead, i played the cool, trying to be mature game. i pretended i had control over what i felt.

I wish i had the guts to say: "i cant see you, because i like you. i can't talk to you because i want you and i know its not reciprocal. i did let feelings get mixed with the whole point of this thing that happens every now and again. "

if i remember right, i could only say

"you know, its not of my business. so i dont want to know about your private life".

that doesnt really translate well, does it?

what the fuck. 27 years of nonsense making way to some more.

you're twisted

I can't believe how many times I've read and heard the same old story

I got dragged into your game. I fell for it. fool of me. fool of me. I gave you what I thought you needed. but I actually was just serving you for what you wanted.

You're twisted.

and same old, same old... you're just like the others.

there's nothing that can put the scattered pieces together again. your breath on my neck is just a hurtful memory. I will remember to bury your seed in my womb and give birth to irony, to repulsion. to allergy of your lies.

you're twisted, but I'm a twister.

I can cross red lights without a scratch. I can turn every one-way left you see.

I can speed limit my heart when i see you and let my mind break all of a sudden,

but our bodies will never crash again.

take note of what im writing,

I'm here just to remind you of your loss

maybe it was for my gain.

I'm a twister. ready to take every single good thing you've done the past years with me.

on the corner of silence and uncertainty

I get surprised how little coincidences happen every now and again and get me totally not prepared for them. Its like a comet in the speed of light coming right behind you. you cant see it, but you feel it coming. you never bother moving. you want it to cross your way.

This afternoon, searching for something else, without even thinking much about it, I came across some old e-mails and got myself reading them. Trying to place myself in time and recognize some of the things i had said and everything that was going on at the time of that correspondence thing.

A lot was going on. And I miss that. I got sad for a little while this afternoon because, I know without a doubt, that there's no way things could be like when it all started. I felt as if it is really time to let go of all this. accept the natural way of things and just let it be. let it go.

I also know that I am always talking about this. about the last time, that always happens. and then again, and again and again. I am always talking about how it is the right time and how it is definate. and everytime I say things like these, I truly mean it. I really feel it the way im saying it. so i spit it out. maybe in an attempt to keep it out of me, to not swallow the truth, to not keep the inevitable. but I end up just staying starving, on an empty stomach, digesting denial.

I find it hard to be extremely honest to myself and to balance all principles and feelings i have towards life. it's gotta be challenging, i know that. but it is hard to keep harmony when you've got your brain and your heart always arguing. always disagreeing. So I end up running to the corner of silence and uncertainty, looking for a place to hide. I take a seat to wait in silence. just to realise you are next to me.

that is probably why we always meet. you always come across my path. thats why so many ends and never a beggning. never a development. never eye contact that could show me what you really feel.