the farewells that always fail

and I won't lie.
this time, I was wrong.
whatever happened there, I saw it coming, but I stayed.

typical.

Commuting to work, listening to certain songs I'd never be listening to if i wasn't feeling so screwed. I close my eyes and I remember when our eyes clashed.

I like your smile. straight away I knew I wanted you.
and i dont mind your lies when i think of how much fun i had.

so badly mistaken, wish i could prove you wrong.

minutes after abrupt encounters, I'll hide in dark alleys, be bad with the boys, be nasty if they wish. then walk home as if nothing happened.

that night, no matter how dark, i still could see you with your number one.
classy. we never say hello, just because, a goodbye never happened.

construct/ obstruct / dissolute

For all the things I've forseen,

from all the memories I've been holding,

I don't deserve it. and there again, I've been wanting them. so bad.

the words come out of control. they also leave without a trace and god knows, they might be where they belong. whenever i open my mouth, I can only make noises. something really similar to what silence sounds like. I resented this once. or many times. Now I crave for it.

A couple of weeks ago, conversation that I should have had a couple of years ago.

you know what I was talking about. travelling time and not apologizing for the mistake i made. simply just wrapping it all up in a sigh of relief. you agreed with me. and i like to believe, you understood and respected me for it.

i miss you. the long talks, the nights of wandering. getting lost in town. the silly jokes between geeky silence, clumsy stories told.

our loop comes to an end. or have we just matured from all our uncontrolled begginings?

and if for once I feel all is cleared, I can't help but be curious of what will be like, time travelling to you, from a couple of years ago, right to next week, when we'll be awkwardly avoiding talking about what is left of all our blurry moments. the ones we've hidden from the world. from ourselves.

in memory

Here I am packing my bags again.

Well, not literally. but true.

I think it is time to let silence stand still, give it a go. enjoy a pause

on chaos,

on reality.

the past weeks have been a pour down of goodbyes. timid ones, abrupt goodbyes, careless, meaningfull, prospective ones. But none of them really effective if I must say.

It is weird to have to feel brave enough to just dial a number, to say what I've been really thinking. Not that it always comes out the way it should. I also think I'm a lot better, but you know, and I know, you just don't know how to deal with me. and you never will.

My body is a whole, moving from town to town. freaks and artists in and out. and all that feeling of being somewhere you don't belong, it's all there. fresh and permanent like the fading ink tattooed on the back of my neck.

not much resistance. not really sure where you've gone. Sadly your eyes won't be running on these words ever again. I dearly miss you friend, dearly dearly miss you. And all these years you've listened to, they are just gone with you. without you I'm just a nomad soul, restless and breaking down on transit. wish you were here.

night still

the night still resonates on my ears.

a special trick under the sleeves and I'm under the sheets, bare as the night.

or maybe under the night, bare as i could be, saying everything, anything really.

that is the sound of attraction.

and all the impression that can be made.

the secretive charm of just being natural. my understanding of what is natural is a big nothing, but i like enjoying it without even noticing it. realising it later, when it's too late.

12 minutes to my dreams of surreality, wishes made walking by a strange crowd, fake stars were lights and everything else could've been a big adventure.

the touch on the skin was actually a test of resistance i was ready to lose. another minute close to chaos, close to surrender, i'd become just skin, just tension, desire, no reason, no reason at all.

a good night still. playing on repeat now.

curse.

Feeling trapped in stills. Needing to get out there, a ghost passing through moving lights.

white noise made out of steel strings.

And one afternoon. just one afternoon, is enough to make me lock the door behind you. after you leave.

just me. and only me. and the impression you made.

irreversible effect, I stand still and cry a little because I know nobody will ever find out that I actually have no control anymore, over what I feel.

Just like that, fooling myself for so long. that's how I decide to leave.

I've come to agreement that I will never be ready to leave this town. So I might as well make it mine.

A hand under my skirt and I'll shut up.

and after the hunting is over, honey, I'm hungry almost all the time. No phenomenon. no explanation either. It will just happen. and never be repeated. not the same way that is.

I will open that door again to let you break me, caress me and make me cry.

I don't fear the casual. men. sex. war. games. reality.

but for the first time ever, I find myself fearing ever letting ou read through me.

that sounds ridiculous just to write. I don't want it for me.

it's a curse I want to be free of.

keep the fingers working. the mouth watering and I'll promise to keep sane.

and safe.

death to the camera

officially,

Im not taking pictures anymore.

I dont want to remember.

I dont want to register any of this.

I'm gonna miss you.

and I mean it. I have tears in my eyes to think about it. you made me hate the only thing i loved.

abstinence not making sense, absurdity and dreams

Layers and layers of attempts,

I am 6 feet deep in impressions.

illusions I created. now I want to consume.

And every name I pick from the hat, is a character I haven't written yet.

One that will name a new drink when I'm on my own trying to make a recipe work.

I've been dreaming the same dream for nearly a week now. And I mean it literally.

He comes. he takes his chances, he comes to stay. he doesn't want to let me go. I can't resist or say no. I stay. but then again, I feel like i shouldn't believe it. this is reality that never existed. Maybe I am trying to convince myself of a possibility that could never happen. I don't want to.

Bring back nightmares. Bring back my anger and my silence. suffocating desire inside of me. it is like dunking fingers in fresh hot coffee.

I don't understand you. I don't want to. and still, I feel the need of being around our nonsense. I have this impression of always been hunted by you. last time was so real. so nice, it even hurts to remember. the only time you wanted to stay and i wanted you to go. I can't do this anymore.