curse.

Feeling trapped in stills. Needing to get out there, a ghost passing through moving lights.

white noise made out of steel strings.

And one afternoon. just one afternoon, is enough to make me lock the door behind you. after you leave.

just me. and only me. and the impression you made.

irreversible effect, I stand still and cry a little because I know nobody will ever find out that I actually have no control anymore, over what I feel.

Just like that, fooling myself for so long. that's how I decide to leave.

I've come to agreement that I will never be ready to leave this town. So I might as well make it mine.

A hand under my skirt and I'll shut up.

and after the hunting is over, honey, I'm hungry almost all the time. No phenomenon. no explanation either. It will just happen. and never be repeated. not the same way that is.

I will open that door again to let you break me, caress me and make me cry.

I don't fear the casual. men. sex. war. games. reality.

but for the first time ever, I find myself fearing ever letting ou read through me.

that sounds ridiculous just to write. I don't want it for me.

it's a curse I want to be free of.

keep the fingers working. the mouth watering and I'll promise to keep sane.

and safe.

death to the camera

officially,

Im not taking pictures anymore.

I dont want to remember.

I dont want to register any of this.

I'm gonna miss you.

and I mean it. I have tears in my eyes to think about it. you made me hate the only thing i loved.

abstinence not making sense, absurdity and dreams

Layers and layers of attempts,

I am 6 feet deep in impressions.

illusions I created. now I want to consume.

And every name I pick from the hat, is a character I haven't written yet.

One that will name a new drink when I'm on my own trying to make a recipe work.

I've been dreaming the same dream for nearly a week now. And I mean it literally.

He comes. he takes his chances, he comes to stay. he doesn't want to let me go. I can't resist or say no. I stay. but then again, I feel like i shouldn't believe it. this is reality that never existed. Maybe I am trying to convince myself of a possibility that could never happen. I don't want to.

Bring back nightmares. Bring back my anger and my silence. suffocating desire inside of me. it is like dunking fingers in fresh hot coffee.

I don't understand you. I don't want to. and still, I feel the need of being around our nonsense. I have this impression of always been hunted by you. last time was so real. so nice, it even hurts to remember. the only time you wanted to stay and i wanted you to go. I can't do this anymore.

crush

Nice talking to you.

doing things to you, even better.

One night,

Stand.

One night, walking downtown on heels that made me so high, I couldn't see you down there,

but I felt you. I felt warmth coming from you, covering me, you stopped breathing, I stopped staring. Suddently, I crushed you.

And I knew this day would come, I told you how it'd end, you'd be crawling back to me again. and so you did. I'm not interested.

there's also this other story:

Arbitrary position, quite controvertial. who would've thought, I'd end up with who I initiated. So sorry if I corrupted you. so sorry.

but corrupted doesn't taste like guilt. tastes good. Like vanilla ice cream melting on my boiling skin. like the taste you left on my tongue last time I tangled my legs around your neck.

Compromising. I suddently thought I could disguise my enjoyment. that I could pretend I didn't want you and be the one to leave first.

Now hoping you come again,

and that I'm there to see it.

born to be like this

I told Ana and another girl who i can't really remember the name: "hold him!"

It was chaos. Boys and girls running, everybody laughing but me. They never held him. They were scared.

"Adrian, I like you". - I shouted from a small distance.

"ewwww. you are ugly. I don't like you", Adrian said to me. I didn't get offended. I didn't really care what he thought of me.

"ana!"

She looked at him worried he had said the wrong thing, and some of his friends now standing behind him suddenly were taking my side. They held Adrian by his arms. Adrian couldn't stop laughing. I knew he was enjoying it. He didn't really think I would have the balls to do it.

"I will never be your boyfriend. you are weird"

He was right. we were too different. I was the quiet type. the one people would pick on and spread rumours about. the one people would stop talking when passing by.

I approached him slowly. he wasn't that far. I saw his cheeks blushing. He was getting angry, shaking his head, trying to scape. I held him by the chin and kissed his left cheek.

He was wrong. I had the balls to do it.

I was 10 years old. He was 1 year older if I still can remember right. And I think that's how everything started. Rumours about me just got worse. I never really cared what they thought of me. and still don't care. And sometimes is not as random as it seems, I choose carefully who can keep me company.

Silent film from a long week.

exhausted. that's all I am just now.

not a regret, not a mistake or forgotten secret. I am just shattered on the floor, lying still just next to those 6 empty bottles of wine.

Rewind the tape some more. there i am, the stranger in halloween, dressed in a red leopard printed dress, cat ears and feline instinct that made me leave a table of friends to your encounter. I don't know you, just read you. you follow my directions. i lead you to the darkest spot in town . minutes later you are diving in my darkest wet spot in a hotel room somewhere.

pause right there. is it all just before we got to talk for hours, you made me laugh and blush, as always, i even forgot all the trouble i was in.

so many (how many, really?) nights later. heartbroken. numb.

it bothers me. i just dont want all the men i can have no more.

we walk and talk about what i could do. i dont want to. do anything. i don't want to rescue anything. i want to be rescued. is it hard to understand?

it is fall, cold and rainny. i love the excitment of you showing me around your new place. i do get proud. i feel happy for you. but i hold it to myself. we understand each other.

we hide and sit in your bedroom, talk about whatever. without even knowing, you are rescuing me. but as always, i run away like the bullet train rushing to the next destination.

back to that floor, surrounded by a lovely mess and the bottles of wine i never drank.

two of you.

and a lot going on.

before you know it,

im gone.

being chased by the boys and wondering if they will ever understand.

there's not such a thing as me.

im the wish to be granted and remembered. never repeated.

there's nothing i could do that would make you less of a bastard. and vice versa.

no need for me to apologize. you can thank me later.

like every other bad girl

I've just got used, babe.

used.

to your lack of touch,

and ""assholeness""

oh yeah.

and everytime i fuck, well, my mind is not there anymore.

I'm just there to take a little bit of your pride away.

the ego being fed is mine.

is it too hard to swallow, babe? i can teach how to do it.

and the more i do it, the less i care.

run away like every other day and pretend I'll be fine

cuz you know I will be. and I am fine,

I'm the only one who knows this all's got a price to be paid for.

It's getting closer now.

I will cost all your sleep at night.

the constant dissatisfaction and your inability to feel real pleasure with anybody else.

fuck yeah.