counting down

tic

tac

tic tac tic tac

you know, that sound that echoes?

my heels being dragged out of the room.

you don't have much time left and I'm not the "i'll leave you a note of goodbye" type.

plans for the end of the summer

Well, I'm happy there are plans to be followed. I have now a 4 months agenda to follow, from getting projects finished, to travelling again. It is exciting. I can sense good changes on the way. I'm hoping so. It will be good to go away for a little while.

I was so happy to hear M. is gonna be posing for me again. I love interaction. I love to be able to be behind the camera only. to only worry about directing and composing the picture. I'm excited about it because lately, I've been falling into insanity. Taking pictures like crazy but just for the sake of it. I've been questioning myself and I want to go a little step ahead this time. I want to photograph pleasure and guilt at the same time. let's see how's gonna go.

It was good to be out the whole weekend. Walking different times of the day/night, ruling where I stood. Leaving traces of what my mind's been plotting: taking over your reason.

Every now and again I'm swinging moods. The past week was the closest I could get to the good well behaved girl. the repressed thought that turns into physical strength.

myth.

a joke.

lies.

training to the day I turn a corner and see you going my way.

a slap on the face, I want you to feel your skin burn when you think of me. Like I used to blush everytime I'd hear your voice, I want you to feel restrained by the invisible ropes around you. the ones you thought you'd use to get me. too late now. too late.

quick,

right over here...

under my skirt

against the wall,

you'll think you're in luck

are you?

it goes something like this...

OH!

thunder....

a storm

you knocking at my door, but I won't answer.

I think you know sweetie...

there's no answer. for a while.

I played your game, now it's my way

I will rule your sanity and decide whenever you can get in. sorry to dissapoint. there's no way you'll win.

I love feeling this powerful,

knowing you will want some

of what only i can offer.

game over baby.

how it's gotta be

it seems so wrong to be this upset but I am.

What is it this thing you do...

I am exhausted, I can not even be too angry.

I just feel numb.

the phone rings, im not expecting it.

after all this time?

"where have you been?", I dare to ask...

then you tell me. then i accept it. then we pretend things will start from where we stopped,

but not this time.

"so what have you been up to?" and for the first time I hesitate in telling you, I dont say a word because I dont want to, I dont know what to say, so I say nothing.

nothing like the silence you wrapped me with.

Gosh, I am upset.

sitting here, just thinking, why the fuck you bother.

if i asked you, im sure you wouldnt tell.

thats when we turn opposite directions.

have a safe journey.

my tornado

I think I'm ready to go.

leave this town and all the ghosts

haunting my sleep

possessing my hands

making me do things only you could guess

try and picture,

this and that

is it any difficult?

maybe i show draw you a picture,

maybe you should just forget

one, two, go go GO!

Go to hell, bloody hell, burn with me and my sins , the way you like it, the more you want it,

oh you can have it,

but baby, you must be going insane

Like all your other names and personas you create

like all the lies you tell yourself so you can still look straight when you are looking at the mirror

Im ready to go.

cry and run. hide and seek

burn and burn

and forget.

ghost rider

Do I feel a little hint of dissapointment?

Did I just see right? you thought you could hide...

come and go, come again

next time you won't be crossing my way.

yeah... tired of playing the silent game. again and again

Funny this thing about charm and power. You might have something I wanna ride,

but I'm the only one in this town who can share that passanger side

on the backseat,

back in time

when i wanted you so bad, you made me cry

there was nothing more than a uncontrollable wish

of exposing you everything i felt

no more rides, no more cars,

no more strange desires or lies.

you had me this close.

I am walking out of your way, first right, second left

out of your sight, into my world of perversion

quite an impression you nearly made on me.

always for a good cause?

what is a good cause, anyway?

I don't remember ever doing anything that didnt start of good intentions. not even a tiny little thing. I like to believe that what we do kind of multiplies and echoes in the air; the good intentions, the acts of kindness, the positive thinking, the passionate speech... it's all there, around you. surrounding you and wrapping tight all that is part of your reality. bringing back to you what came out of you. you do good not expecting to receive good back. but you do it knowing that everything you do has a consequence.

It makes me sad sometimes to think that some people around me can be so sad about themselves, so insecure and so unispired, that when the possibility of getting into a good cause, a new opportunity, the chance of sharing a dream with someone... they just act like thick eraser blocks that go on trying to run over your dreams and aspirations as if they could prevent you of getting it done. they end up not erasing anything you have written, but they leave a continuous blur on the paper you had painted with your ink. with the best of your intentions.

people like that make me feel like you can never be safe from the negative spaces in the world. they are afraid of getting it done because of their fear of failure and im so quite the opposite of all that. i fear not trying, not getting anything a chance, i fear being unfair and insecure, so i hardly ever say "No" to anything. it can be bad sometimes, but thats how it works for me. I can live knowing that i never understimated or ignored a possibility, a potential. i can't go on tormented by neglection or lack of confidence to make my own decisions and follow my own path.

i hate taking friends with me in certain journeys, because they usually give up half way of our path. and even though no matter what, i will keep going, the baggage they leave is heavy and i am left carrying it till the end.

i hate cowards and blank page people. the ones who dont have dreams, who are ambitious but dont have balls to "do it yourself". but i might keep quiet just now and concentrate in the positive, in the dreamers and believers that every now and then, fall from a cloud right on my lap.