i wish i had told you

I am emotionally exausted. after a long exciting weekend. after sleepless two weeks of worries and paranoia.

It's probably because it's near my birthday week, and I always get the blues. like this.

pale blues. i feel like hiding from the whole world.

I realised today that there are things that have to come to an end. they can not last. not realisticly. you can prolong life, but you can make it immortal.

this is our situation. it is almost a curse. today i felt heartbroken. i felt jealous and hurt, even though i know i shouldnt. I felt like crying in front of a stranger. but i didn't do it so.

I came home and wondered instead, what my tears would feel like running down my face as a warm warning on what ive just lost. when the phone rang, I wanted to say "i like you." but instead, i played the cool, trying to be mature game. i pretended i had control over what i felt.

I wish i had the guts to say: "i cant see you, because i like you. i can't talk to you because i want you and i know its not reciprocal. i did let feelings get mixed with the whole point of this thing that happens every now and again. "

if i remember right, i could only say

"you know, its not of my business. so i dont want to know about your private life".

that doesnt really translate well, does it?

what the fuck. 27 years of nonsense making way to some more.