crush

Nice talking to you.

doing things to you, even better.

One night,

Stand.

One night, walking downtown on heels that made me so high, I couldn't see you down there,

but I felt you. I felt warmth coming from you, covering me, you stopped breathing, I stopped staring. Suddently, I crushed you.

And I knew this day would come, I told you how it'd end, you'd be crawling back to me again. and so you did. I'm not interested.

there's also this other story:

Arbitrary position, quite controvertial. who would've thought, I'd end up with who I initiated. So sorry if I corrupted you. so sorry.

but corrupted doesn't taste like guilt. tastes good. Like vanilla ice cream melting on my boiling skin. like the taste you left on my tongue last time I tangled my legs around your neck.

Compromising. I suddently thought I could disguise my enjoyment. that I could pretend I didn't want you and be the one to leave first.

Now hoping you come again,

and that I'm there to see it.

born to be like this

I told Ana and another girl who i can't really remember the name: "hold him!"

It was chaos. Boys and girls running, everybody laughing but me. They never held him. They were scared.

"Adrian, I like you". - I shouted from a small distance.

"ewwww. you are ugly. I don't like you", Adrian said to me. I didn't get offended. I didn't really care what he thought of me.

"ana!"

She looked at him worried he had said the wrong thing, and some of his friends now standing behind him suddenly were taking my side. They held Adrian by his arms. Adrian couldn't stop laughing. I knew he was enjoying it. He didn't really think I would have the balls to do it.

"I will never be your boyfriend. you are weird"

He was right. we were too different. I was the quiet type. the one people would pick on and spread rumours about. the one people would stop talking when passing by.

I approached him slowly. he wasn't that far. I saw his cheeks blushing. He was getting angry, shaking his head, trying to scape. I held him by the chin and kissed his left cheek.

He was wrong. I had the balls to do it.

I was 10 years old. He was 1 year older if I still can remember right. And I think that's how everything started. Rumours about me just got worse. I never really cared what they thought of me. and still don't care. And sometimes is not as random as it seems, I choose carefully who can keep me company.

Silent film from a long week.

exhausted. that's all I am just now.

not a regret, not a mistake or forgotten secret. I am just shattered on the floor, lying still just next to those 6 empty bottles of wine.

Rewind the tape some more. there i am, the stranger in halloween, dressed in a red leopard printed dress, cat ears and feline instinct that made me leave a table of friends to your encounter. I don't know you, just read you. you follow my directions. i lead you to the darkest spot in town . minutes later you are diving in my darkest wet spot in a hotel room somewhere.

pause right there. is it all just before we got to talk for hours, you made me laugh and blush, as always, i even forgot all the trouble i was in.

so many (how many, really?) nights later. heartbroken. numb.

it bothers me. i just dont want all the men i can have no more.

we walk and talk about what i could do. i dont want to. do anything. i don't want to rescue anything. i want to be rescued. is it hard to understand?

it is fall, cold and rainny. i love the excitment of you showing me around your new place. i do get proud. i feel happy for you. but i hold it to myself. we understand each other.

we hide and sit in your bedroom, talk about whatever. without even knowing, you are rescuing me. but as always, i run away like the bullet train rushing to the next destination.

back to that floor, surrounded by a lovely mess and the bottles of wine i never drank.

two of you.

and a lot going on.

before you know it,

im gone.

being chased by the boys and wondering if they will ever understand.

there's not such a thing as me.

im the wish to be granted and remembered. never repeated.

there's nothing i could do that would make you less of a bastard. and vice versa.

no need for me to apologize. you can thank me later.

like every other bad girl

I've just got used, babe.

used.

to your lack of touch,

and ""assholeness""

oh yeah.

and everytime i fuck, well, my mind is not there anymore.

I'm just there to take a little bit of your pride away.

the ego being fed is mine.

is it too hard to swallow, babe? i can teach how to do it.

and the more i do it, the less i care.

run away like every other day and pretend I'll be fine

cuz you know I will be. and I am fine,

I'm the only one who knows this all's got a price to be paid for.

It's getting closer now.

I will cost all your sleep at night.

the constant dissatisfaction and your inability to feel real pleasure with anybody else.

fuck yeah.

Liar

you lie.

you lie.

you lie.

But I won't say a thing. I have no sound to be put out.

Just noise that I wanna make.

on your ears.

in your room. in a restroom. wherever we happen to crash into each other.

i thought it could happen, but there's no room for your presence again. and so it goes on.

your lies that will remain your lies, that you will think I've never got right, but honestly, I really don't care.

A couple of nights ago, the poison quickly dying the blood in greenish tons of a rotten apple. one that you didn't dare to bite. I dared you. I scared you. why would you care?

it's all a big lie.

then a day later, it's all turned into a big fuck. with ingredient available at the time. dark alleys, angry approach, bitter taste of your saliva on my tongue. I offer you a drink of my molotov cocktail, the one between my legs.

and even after a big tease, you remain defeated. sitting in front of me as if resisting me would allow you a big prize. what reward is it in avoiding what has already happened... in your thoughts and in mine?

liar.

fucking hot looking liar.

i'll pretend i believe you just so i can put my hands down your pants.

open that f* door

has it really changed? I mean, everything, even a bit?

doors closed.

break in.

lock ourselves in. leave your bloody excuses behind.

and this is not a plea. or an idea. it's just a plan.

tired of the "b" way. the alternative. the fix. the "maybe next time" positive thinking.

I am in one of those moods. the anger possessing me slowly. i could use some angry sex.

or just some old friends. visiting town. staying for a while. taking me with them. for good.

what is it with this town that puts me in ups and downs more constant that its hills?

seriously, i need a long break. maybe not having holidays since april until november has something to do it with it.

I got a kitten. she's the best. my loyal company. sitting on my lap just now. love her.

and then again, i got thinking "what the fuck am i doing?". does it mean im ready to settle? i don't think so.

i mean, this is no home.

this is my penitence.

honestly.

things can happen or not. it doesnt matter. there's a world out there that im missing out big time. and no replacements are available for that.

if you have a home you know what i am talking about.

I'm talking about late nights playing cards with friends,

joining strangers and getting into weird parties.

taking buses and crossing the tropic of capricorn.

finding secret hidden places, bumping into people like me, who dont care about what they are searching for, they are just there for the trip.

loving and hating but never leaving.

i want it all back.

back, hear me?

and fuck the whole rest.

you dont really help being such a bastard, dear.

Manchester Zinefest!

So that's what I'll be doing next weekend. Im gonna be there. if not with a stall, my zines will be there somewhere for sure! and I'll be there in person the whole day probably. I'm actually excited about this. it should be fun!

Help spread the word! there's still time to get involved!