back home

i forgot what is like to be myself.

right now, i just feel abandoned.

sinking in my sofa...again?

I can't help looking back and realising I can put this crazy mix of expectitions into years.

we extended our tension to make it last.

honestly i fear in 1 or 2 years time we'll be still coming and going

back and forth

like we do.

one more time sinking in my sofa and I will dissapear.

i hate to want to see you. then i love to see you. then i hate to see you.

"this time will be different", I keep saying to myself. but actually hoping it won't.

what is it gonna be of us in a few days time?

sun bathing

it's in anger that I find the most fragile existence. I mean, my very own fragile existence. In anger I see the world as a hurtful place, a tricky chance you take and can't take it back.

I'm happy some days are not as good as others. It's good to have a comparison, it's good to feel the difference...

... I've been missing that. feeling things are different.

I think not having ideas for pictures is really bothering me right now. Usually it's all so instantaneous, so automatic. I've got a feeling, an impression, a dream, a wish.... then i capture it in an image. i collect these thing almost as memories collected in a journal. I've been having eventful days, inspiring nights and have been enjoying it a lot.

But then there're days like today. I feel it running in me. I'm carrying these things; I know they're there. not anger... but things to say. but I can't capture that. I can't let it out. I can't give it a "face", or a name. so they are kept inside for now. it's probably what bothers me.

today i wanted to take a picture but didn't have any reason. didn't feel the need. just wanted to do it. so i threw myself in the kitchen. down on my knees, i sunbathed in silence. maybe im just missing the bigger picture here.

if i look back...

... i only see confusion.

I've been sooooo slow this week. batteries running low i guess. Needing some rest. need stop questioning things.

you know, things just happen.

like me and you.

like everybody else's mistakes.

today i got back home wishing i was more helpful to my friends. I don't know if I come across as a person who doesn't care and that worries me. Because I do think about them all the time. And yeah, I'm talking about you, you and you.... across the ocean, thinking of me. you in the eastern part of this continent, reading me, you just next door or just 4 train stations away about to meet me in two days time.

maybe it's the full moon just starting.

promise me something? if i ever come across you again, take me to the last floor of any building, and invite me to dance. just once. maybe dancing to "no moon at all". maybe just to the sound of the city partially going to bed.

i want to move in your rhythm and know, at least for a minute or two, what is like to be in your shoes.

my hair, your hands. your heartbeats. embrace.

You comfort me when I'm like this... feeling out of water.

you offer me gin when I feel like this... like sobbing and sinking in missed opportunities

you hold me in your arms in nights like these... the ones only we know exist

i could sleep in your arms forever. i hear your heartbeats. you're excited. maybe the attraction makes you feel uncomfortable...

it is just so sweet, in a level only I can measure. i like to know a side of you that nobody else does.

when you close that door is all back to normal. stepping back to reality is just what there is to it.

back and forth forever

There's something really romantic about my past.

Everytime I get in touch with everything/everyone who had to stay behind, I feel like roots have been burried underground and are now so long, I never really lost touch with them.

Roots just grow stronger with time.

It's just that they are not on the surface, you don't really recall them all the time, but they are always there. always connecting you with the rest. with your structure. because that's what past is right? it's what builds and shape you. it's what makes you know where to go when you have to move on.

Talking to friends this week, getting excited about these holidays back home, makes me feel powerful and brave. it's not always that i feel like adventuring in the romantic waves, or that i feel like really giving heart and soul to fate like I feel doing this.

I realise I didn't buy tickets for a holiday. I've bought tickets to travel back in time. I can't stop thinking and wanting to be there so much. i want to dedicate one day to each of my friends. like getting into their worlds for a day/night and share with them my travel machine.

dissapeared

somebody stole my cellphone yesterday :(

I just can not believe some nerve some people have.

and I can't believe I can daydream in such a high level, people can just take things from me and I dont even realise.

lame.