resent you

The only thing i collect these days is:
imaginary friends.

lonely company you are,
always in my mind
but non existent to what i really need.

I resent you.

letting myself down

I am not trying to fool myself about all my said problems.
They are not organic. they are just sentimental experimentation.
Once created, they just multiply by the second. They simply develop out of control.

I'm not the creator anymore. not once birth is given and they are exposed.

Lately, typing has been harder than it should be. If every now and again I lack the time, or sometimes, the words; now I lack the courage to fish them out of my heart. What you see on your screen is just what's been imersed in the darkest part of me. Not a problem on sharing it; I just feel as if the words typed should be spoken. and if they do, who should be the listener. Lately, it is right to say, I've just been confused.

I had a lovely time with friends last night. It is always so great to listen to intelligent people. I also find fascinating to watch how people articulate their feelings; how they express them, how they compress them to finish a sentence or two. I felt so lucky to be surrounded by beautiful, inteligent and talented women. I admire them so much, they probably don't even know it. I sat there for quite a while, wishing I could see life through their eyes.

But I can't. I complicate the complication. I question every little absurd that doesn't really have to make any sense. I feel and feel and feel and forget to think. rationalize my impressions and questions is something i could come to terms with. So after the lovely conversation and great night, I just left the place feeling sad that I know exactly what i need and want. but will never have the guts to go and get it.

Somebody asked me recently if I'm easily distracted.
I didn't even hesitate to answer: yes.
But who needs attention when all you want is to live safe and sound in your little shell? What people perceive from me is pretty much creation of their own minds. It doesn't concern me or even bother me. I like to think I'm a hundred different people to a hundred different people. if that makes any sense. But to myself, I'm just an eternal waiting-state calamity.

I could never feel sorry for myself. As I said, lovely friends and a life i quite enjoy are simply more than enough to keep me happy. But I do feel heartbroken. let down by not having control over my own emotions. feeling like the little shell's got many cracks but no aperture; no door where i can let you in. or can let myself out.

on that note, you come through in small doses, from time to time. and the wait crushes me.

counting down

tic

tac

tic tac tic tac

you know, that sound that echoes?

my heels being dragged out of the room.

you don't have much time left and I'm not the "i'll leave you a note of goodbye" type.

plans for the end of the summer

Well, I'm happy there are plans to be followed. I have now a 4 months agenda to follow, from getting projects finished, to travelling again. It is exciting. I can sense good changes on the way. I'm hoping so. It will be good to go away for a little while.

I was so happy to hear M. is gonna be posing for me again. I love interaction. I love to be able to be behind the camera only. to only worry about directing and composing the picture. I'm excited about it because lately, I've been falling into insanity. Taking pictures like crazy but just for the sake of it. I've been questioning myself and I want to go a little step ahead this time. I want to photograph pleasure and guilt at the same time. let's see how's gonna go.

It was good to be out the whole weekend. Walking different times of the day/night, ruling where I stood. Leaving traces of what my mind's been plotting: taking over your reason.

Every now and again I'm swinging moods. The past week was the closest I could get to the good well behaved girl. the repressed thought that turns into physical strength.

myth.

a joke.

lies.

training to the day I turn a corner and see you going my way.

a slap on the face, I want you to feel your skin burn when you think of me. Like I used to blush everytime I'd hear your voice, I want you to feel restrained by the invisible ropes around you. the ones you thought you'd use to get me. too late now. too late.

quick,

right over here...

under my skirt

against the wall,

you'll think you're in luck

are you?

it goes something like this...

OH!

thunder....

a storm

you knocking at my door, but I won't answer.

I think you know sweetie...

there's no answer. for a while.

I played your game, now it's my way

I will rule your sanity and decide whenever you can get in. sorry to dissapoint. there's no way you'll win.

I love feeling this powerful,

knowing you will want some

of what only i can offer.

game over baby.

how it's gotta be

it seems so wrong to be this upset but I am.

What is it this thing you do...

I am exhausted, I can not even be too angry.

I just feel numb.

the phone rings, im not expecting it.

after all this time?

"where have you been?", I dare to ask...

then you tell me. then i accept it. then we pretend things will start from where we stopped,

but not this time.

"so what have you been up to?" and for the first time I hesitate in telling you, I dont say a word because I dont want to, I dont know what to say, so I say nothing.

nothing like the silence you wrapped me with.

Gosh, I am upset.

sitting here, just thinking, why the fuck you bother.

if i asked you, im sure you wouldnt tell.

thats when we turn opposite directions.

have a safe journey.

my tornado

I think I'm ready to go.

leave this town and all the ghosts

haunting my sleep

possessing my hands

making me do things only you could guess

try and picture,

this and that

is it any difficult?

maybe i show draw you a picture,

maybe you should just forget

one, two, go go GO!

Go to hell, bloody hell, burn with me and my sins , the way you like it, the more you want it,

oh you can have it,

but baby, you must be going insane

Like all your other names and personas you create

like all the lies you tell yourself so you can still look straight when you are looking at the mirror

Im ready to go.

cry and run. hide and seek

burn and burn

and forget.