i wish i had told you

I am emotionally exausted. after a long exciting weekend. after sleepless two weeks of worries and paranoia.

It's probably because it's near my birthday week, and I always get the blues. like this.

pale blues. i feel like hiding from the whole world.

I realised today that there are things that have to come to an end. they can not last. not realisticly. you can prolong life, but you can make it immortal.

this is our situation. it is almost a curse. today i felt heartbroken. i felt jealous and hurt, even though i know i shouldnt. I felt like crying in front of a stranger. but i didn't do it so.

I came home and wondered instead, what my tears would feel like running down my face as a warm warning on what ive just lost. when the phone rang, I wanted to say "i like you." but instead, i played the cool, trying to be mature game. i pretended i had control over what i felt.

I wish i had the guts to say: "i cant see you, because i like you. i can't talk to you because i want you and i know its not reciprocal. i did let feelings get mixed with the whole point of this thing that happens every now and again. "

if i remember right, i could only say

"you know, its not of my business. so i dont want to know about your private life".

that doesnt really translate well, does it?

what the fuck. 27 years of nonsense making way to some more.

you're twisted

I can't believe how many times I've read and heard the same old story

I got dragged into your game. I fell for it. fool of me. fool of me. I gave you what I thought you needed. but I actually was just serving you for what you wanted.

You're twisted.

and same old, same old... you're just like the others.

there's nothing that can put the scattered pieces together again. your breath on my neck is just a hurtful memory. I will remember to bury your seed in my womb and give birth to irony, to repulsion. to allergy of your lies.

you're twisted, but I'm a twister.

I can cross red lights without a scratch. I can turn every one-way left you see.

I can speed limit my heart when i see you and let my mind break all of a sudden,

but our bodies will never crash again.

take note of what im writing,

I'm here just to remind you of your loss

maybe it was for my gain.

I'm a twister. ready to take every single good thing you've done the past years with me.

on the corner of silence and uncertainty

I get surprised how little coincidences happen every now and again and get me totally not prepared for them. Its like a comet in the speed of light coming right behind you. you cant see it, but you feel it coming. you never bother moving. you want it to cross your way.

This afternoon, searching for something else, without even thinking much about it, I came across some old e-mails and got myself reading them. Trying to place myself in time and recognize some of the things i had said and everything that was going on at the time of that correspondence thing.

A lot was going on. And I miss that. I got sad for a little while this afternoon because, I know without a doubt, that there's no way things could be like when it all started. I felt as if it is really time to let go of all this. accept the natural way of things and just let it be. let it go.

I also know that I am always talking about this. about the last time, that always happens. and then again, and again and again. I am always talking about how it is the right time and how it is definate. and everytime I say things like these, I truly mean it. I really feel it the way im saying it. so i spit it out. maybe in an attempt to keep it out of me, to not swallow the truth, to not keep the inevitable. but I end up just staying starving, on an empty stomach, digesting denial.

I find it hard to be extremely honest to myself and to balance all principles and feelings i have towards life. it's gotta be challenging, i know that. but it is hard to keep harmony when you've got your brain and your heart always arguing. always disagreeing. So I end up running to the corner of silence and uncertainty, looking for a place to hide. I take a seat to wait in silence. just to realise you are next to me.

that is probably why we always meet. you always come across my path. thats why so many ends and never a beggning. never a development. never eye contact that could show me what you really feel.

your flavour

Eventful weekend. Being on my own for a change. Phone not ringing, nobody knocking at the door. A great empty and new space to explore with my camera. Wine. grapes. Cherries.

I felt like I was free just like I used to be back in 1999. Or was i?

I am happy. A little bit scared. Tomorrow is the day I hand my portifolio in and have an interview. I still have a statement to write and have no idea where to start. I don't really know how to be academic. I only know how to do things by following my heart. Thats how i got here anyway. i will be expecting some good vibes coming :)

the flavour in the title... its yours.

in my mouth.

I still remember.

I kept cherries to share.

but you never came.

There is little I know that can put me off. teasing is one of them. Because I do always go after what i want. "dont leave me wanting". it will be like a long exposure process. and the results can be quite the opposite you wanted.

I am happy though. happy i chose to not wait for things. not anymore =)

a little bit lost, now i am found

There are days that I can only serve procastination. Usually, when I have loads to do/say and don't know how to say/do. I have problems about categorizing. about giving priorities to things.

After my trip back home, I just felt annoyed. with everything and everyone. here and there. Thats when I realised how strong of a woman I must be. Not saying Im that great or perfect or even special. But I do hold my horses and keep cool even in the middle of a storm. I felt really cool. good about knowing i could count on myself.

does it make any sense?

...

I'm keeping cool. changing my mind about things as always, but at least getting things done.

Another zine is ready. hopefully, the final of the trilogy. i never even intended it to be a trilogy. Scary.

All those stories... 3 years old!?!?!

3 years of tension. of waiting. of dissapointment.

time to put it to an end.

an end.

I still fear certain connections. the power of attraction and all those involuntary chemical reactions. of you. and i. stuck in a room. last time i knew, it wouldnt happen again.

But i do wish you good things. I am hopeful I won't be just a forgotten memory.

I will always keep you safe with me, no matter how deep i'll have to hide you.

for the best

if we had a proper goodbye,
I know I would never part.
I would have given myself completely to the moment
embrace your warmth and not think much about

about us and what we could never be.

if i had stayed, you would break my heart
again.
so i rather part and not let you part
what is already divided in two.

keep my memories safe.
one day
I will return to get it back
from you. not anyone else.

watching...

everything and everyone.

i think I got so used to be behind the curtains, watching, in the darkness, teasing, being a pair of eyes, a childish sweet voice... i forgot what I had to say.

So today I woke up to shake things up a little.

Scream and dance to the distorted and dirty sound of this city.

I love sao paulo. it breaks my heart to see it so forgotten. so not recognized.
I´m ready now to explore this place like it was the first time.