sun bathing

it's in anger that I find the most fragile existence. I mean, my very own fragile existence. In anger I see the world as a hurtful place, a tricky chance you take and can't take it back.

I'm happy some days are not as good as others. It's good to have a comparison, it's good to feel the difference...

... I've been missing that. feeling things are different.

I think not having ideas for pictures is really bothering me right now. Usually it's all so instantaneous, so automatic. I've got a feeling, an impression, a dream, a wish.... then i capture it in an image. i collect these thing almost as memories collected in a journal. I've been having eventful days, inspiring nights and have been enjoying it a lot.

But then there're days like today. I feel it running in me. I'm carrying these things; I know they're there. not anger... but things to say. but I can't capture that. I can't let it out. I can't give it a "face", or a name. so they are kept inside for now. it's probably what bothers me.

today i wanted to take a picture but didn't have any reason. didn't feel the need. just wanted to do it. so i threw myself in the kitchen. down on my knees, i sunbathed in silence. maybe im just missing the bigger picture here.

if i look back...

... i only see confusion.

I've been sooooo slow this week. batteries running low i guess. Needing some rest. need stop questioning things.

you know, things just happen.

like me and you.

like everybody else's mistakes.

today i got back home wishing i was more helpful to my friends. I don't know if I come across as a person who doesn't care and that worries me. Because I do think about them all the time. And yeah, I'm talking about you, you and you.... across the ocean, thinking of me. you in the eastern part of this continent, reading me, you just next door or just 4 train stations away about to meet me in two days time.

maybe it's the full moon just starting.

promise me something? if i ever come across you again, take me to the last floor of any building, and invite me to dance. just once. maybe dancing to "no moon at all". maybe just to the sound of the city partially going to bed.

i want to move in your rhythm and know, at least for a minute or two, what is like to be in your shoes.

my hair, your hands. your heartbeats. embrace.

You comfort me when I'm like this... feeling out of water.

you offer me gin when I feel like this... like sobbing and sinking in missed opportunities

you hold me in your arms in nights like these... the ones only we know exist

i could sleep in your arms forever. i hear your heartbeats. you're excited. maybe the attraction makes you feel uncomfortable...

it is just so sweet, in a level only I can measure. i like to know a side of you that nobody else does.

when you close that door is all back to normal. stepping back to reality is just what there is to it.

back and forth forever

There's something really romantic about my past.

Everytime I get in touch with everything/everyone who had to stay behind, I feel like roots have been burried underground and are now so long, I never really lost touch with them.

Roots just grow stronger with time.

It's just that they are not on the surface, you don't really recall them all the time, but they are always there. always connecting you with the rest. with your structure. because that's what past is right? it's what builds and shape you. it's what makes you know where to go when you have to move on.

Talking to friends this week, getting excited about these holidays back home, makes me feel powerful and brave. it's not always that i feel like adventuring in the romantic waves, or that i feel like really giving heart and soul to fate like I feel doing this.

I realise I didn't buy tickets for a holiday. I've bought tickets to travel back in time. I can't stop thinking and wanting to be there so much. i want to dedicate one day to each of my friends. like getting into their worlds for a day/night and share with them my travel machine.

dissapeared

somebody stole my cellphone yesterday :(

I just can not believe some nerve some people have.

and I can't believe I can daydream in such a high level, people can just take things from me and I dont even realise.

lame.

brief encounters that never happen

There's power, and I mean literal power, in the hands of a man who knows women better.

I find myself attracted by the least probable traits you could think of. I love consistency and controversy; but I also love simple plain things.

Many tried to take out of expectation, what only belongs to me. The heart that I wear under the sleeve never shows when I'm naked under the sheets. I like the idea of just giving yourself to space. orbitating in other worlds while your flesh lies there; while your body equivalent of a meal for 2, feeds only one starving mouth. going back to yourself when climax is reached and realising you wouldn't be able to tell what happened there. while you were out and he was in. you out of your mind, him inside of your wet redness. you can picture his relief face as you look at your own cum in your hands. you rush out of that place, cursing space for kidnapping you; blaming his eyes for being so hypnotic; feeling the warmth of his fingers everytime you touch yourself again. loving holding the memory that only you can portrait; out of imaginary encounters, fading into surrealistic dreams.

out of the ordinary

I left work earlier yesterday. I don't know why. I just wanted out of there. I took the bus, got some milk at the corner shop before coming up to the flat.

I got two blankets for extra warmth. Put "Lost in Translation" on. watch it and get all euphoric. Every time I watch that film, I find tiny little pieces I didn't see there before.

I'm ready for my white russians now. About two drinks later I put "Before Sunset" on.

Then I just realise my tuesday had just began.

you need just a little sparkle to start a huge fire. I had forgotten that for a good day you just need to make sure you get to see that tiny light somewhere. for extra warmth, get a double blanket.

the blurry town as how i see it when im walking to work at 6 am. cellphone picture.

the honest, the bad and the out of control

Through desire (not necessarily only sexual... desire for anything in life) I get that little "push" to something that can be good (or maybe not); it's the desire that gets me in touch with new possibilities and pleasure; it's how I get to feed the different "personas" inside of me. it's How i get balanced and live reality and dreams. all at once. I believe we aren't only one thing. we have so many aspirations and talents and thoughts. there's not such a thing as "single" in personality. we're a mix of many different beings.

So all that being important to me, I do feel as if I can get out of control sometimes. I am very passionate about what i believe and i dont see limits when i desire. i think lust always gets me blind before I know it, so sometimes, I try to lean on the reason side to try to balance things. When we talk i dont want reason. I am instinct. i am raw animal desire. I am whatever you let me be.

that said, now I need to dive into sobriety. Undress the touch I still feel from previous nights. But I also feel the need of contradicting my reason, of letting it take me no matter where it takes me, the need of feeling this great state of mind.
It is true, you're a seducer. You play my game but follow your own rules. I've never been on the other side of the table and maybe that's why sometimes i cant be sure if its the right way.
deep in thoughts, deep in myself. your voice penetrates my soul as my fingers penetrate my wetness. I fear men like you.

the power you can have over me.
the charms you can use and I can fall for.
It is just more contradiction to my books.
I want to get closer. but i also want to keep distance.
i want to feel this warm through the whole winter.
watch you fall for me the same way.

There is, I must say, the danger of losing the reason. i am never sure if would be right to let it all out. all at once could be an overdose of whispers; temptation; my pleasure expelled in the loudest sound; my orgasm in form of a river. my body contracting spontaneously with intensity. recovering sanity after all. but not really knowing where i am.

tree soul free mind

I had a musical day. Wrote a new song. Recorded that and a cat power song, just to test the new settings for the microphone on my computer and to hear my own voice catastrophe... it didn't sound too bad I think.

The strangest and most cinematic dream Ive ever had came to me last night, probably as a result of long amazing conversations about life, creativity and tension. Words and sounds I will always remember.

You know when people are connected to you somehow because it's not really what they do to you, but sometimes just the things they say can be a moment of enlightment; put you on the spotlight of the "figuring out more about yourself and the world" show. You hope those moments keep happening. But not necessarily there's any control over what touchs you or not. It just happens. just like that. you let the light in your soul and that stays.

I dreamed of being a tree. of being a woman and being free. of being amazed by being able to see things through other people's eyes. There's a lot of meaning in that for me. Subtle, but very meaninful, you recharge yourself with inspiration and suddenly so many doors open. One can only hope to not be too greedy. with being fed with such amazing thoughts and dreams.

I feel like diving in a lake of sobriety and then drying under the heat of tension and inspiration, creative status, intense exchange of desejos.

a walk in the wild side of colour land

Just for tests. I've got a new camera after all. I still think that my colour pictures are no good, unless they are more "experimental" like the ones on my website, using external props and textures. i don't know.

I'm so tired right now. It's been one of those busy weeks. busy is good. but my brain is in need of a good rest. when I close my eyes all I think of is just a warm bed, some nice vanilla smell and the noise of rain outside. I am in so much need of a good sleep. no, really.

So I skipped Camera Club night on thursday. bad girl. very, very bad. I still find it really inspiring and great, but the weather here seems to put me on a "maybe next week" kinda mood. Not only that, I still have loads of deadlines and writing to do. I am procastinating so much.

I can't complain though. things are falling into place. I've got my tickets to Brazil; which means adventures, old friends, my lovely sao paulo city waiting for me. its almost two years now since last time and last time i didnt even manage to see my friends. according to plans, its gonna be a week of celebration at least. the other weeks i'll probably be just enjoying home, family, my cat. I'm excited to see what fantastic projects friends have in store. exhibitions and shows. I'm looking foward to be singing again. recording something maybe? oh i miss that.

on the 14th feb I'm taking a friend for the gala opening night at the Glasgow Film Festival. I've got my pass already, which is just great. another little thing to keep my countdown going. It's so great to see how the quality of the festival keeps just getting better and better every year!

So overall I feel not so full of energy but definetely more productive. very contracditory but much more loyal to my plans, you see. snowing falling outside and suddenly my heart melts. I'm hoping my daydreams become endless dreamy state reality.