your flavour

Eventful weekend. Being on my own for a change. Phone not ringing, nobody knocking at the door. A great empty and new space to explore with my camera. Wine. grapes. Cherries.

I felt like I was free just like I used to be back in 1999. Or was i?

I am happy. A little bit scared. Tomorrow is the day I hand my portifolio in and have an interview. I still have a statement to write and have no idea where to start. I don't really know how to be academic. I only know how to do things by following my heart. Thats how i got here anyway. i will be expecting some good vibes coming :)

the flavour in the title... its yours.

in my mouth.

I still remember.

I kept cherries to share.

but you never came.

There is little I know that can put me off. teasing is one of them. Because I do always go after what i want. "dont leave me wanting". it will be like a long exposure process. and the results can be quite the opposite you wanted.

I am happy though. happy i chose to not wait for things. not anymore =)

a little bit lost, now i am found

There are days that I can only serve procastination. Usually, when I have loads to do/say and don't know how to say/do. I have problems about categorizing. about giving priorities to things.

After my trip back home, I just felt annoyed. with everything and everyone. here and there. Thats when I realised how strong of a woman I must be. Not saying Im that great or perfect or even special. But I do hold my horses and keep cool even in the middle of a storm. I felt really cool. good about knowing i could count on myself.

does it make any sense?

...

I'm keeping cool. changing my mind about things as always, but at least getting things done.

Another zine is ready. hopefully, the final of the trilogy. i never even intended it to be a trilogy. Scary.

All those stories... 3 years old!?!?!

3 years of tension. of waiting. of dissapointment.

time to put it to an end.

an end.

I still fear certain connections. the power of attraction and all those involuntary chemical reactions. of you. and i. stuck in a room. last time i knew, it wouldnt happen again.

But i do wish you good things. I am hopeful I won't be just a forgotten memory.

I will always keep you safe with me, no matter how deep i'll have to hide you.

for the best

if we had a proper goodbye,
I know I would never part.
I would have given myself completely to the moment
embrace your warmth and not think much about

about us and what we could never be.

if i had stayed, you would break my heart
again.
so i rather part and not let you part
what is already divided in two.

keep my memories safe.
one day
I will return to get it back
from you. not anyone else.

watching...

everything and everyone.

i think I got so used to be behind the curtains, watching, in the darkness, teasing, being a pair of eyes, a childish sweet voice... i forgot what I had to say.

So today I woke up to shake things up a little.

Scream and dance to the distorted and dirty sound of this city.

I love sao paulo. it breaks my heart to see it so forgotten. so not recognized.
I´m ready now to explore this place like it was the first time.

back home

i forgot what is like to be myself.

right now, i just feel abandoned.

sinking in my sofa...again?

I can't help looking back and realising I can put this crazy mix of expectitions into years.

we extended our tension to make it last.

honestly i fear in 1 or 2 years time we'll be still coming and going

back and forth

like we do.

one more time sinking in my sofa and I will dissapear.

i hate to want to see you. then i love to see you. then i hate to see you.

"this time will be different", I keep saying to myself. but actually hoping it won't.

what is it gonna be of us in a few days time?

sun bathing

it's in anger that I find the most fragile existence. I mean, my very own fragile existence. In anger I see the world as a hurtful place, a tricky chance you take and can't take it back.

I'm happy some days are not as good as others. It's good to have a comparison, it's good to feel the difference...

... I've been missing that. feeling things are different.

I think not having ideas for pictures is really bothering me right now. Usually it's all so instantaneous, so automatic. I've got a feeling, an impression, a dream, a wish.... then i capture it in an image. i collect these thing almost as memories collected in a journal. I've been having eventful days, inspiring nights and have been enjoying it a lot.

But then there're days like today. I feel it running in me. I'm carrying these things; I know they're there. not anger... but things to say. but I can't capture that. I can't let it out. I can't give it a "face", or a name. so they are kept inside for now. it's probably what bothers me.

today i wanted to take a picture but didn't have any reason. didn't feel the need. just wanted to do it. so i threw myself in the kitchen. down on my knees, i sunbathed in silence. maybe im just missing the bigger picture here.