let me guess

... as always. you come and go.

as fast as a rocket. slip through my fingers, never leave traces of your tempting existence.

and as always, you tease. you say you'll stay but you leave.

i bet a hundred bucks we won't meet.

damn our profecy.

...

On a bright note and not as poetic, well, things have been just normal. I've changed jobs; then changed my mood again and got back to what I was previously doing. It's been a "catching up" phase for so long now. I feel like properly starting new things. But knowing myself the way I do, I know that I better watch to not let things unfinished again.

I've been thinking a lot about the book! yeah! I want to get back to it. But I feel really down about my pictures. lack of inspiration maybe? I've been trying. But ideas don't really come to me that easily just now.

Probably the main problem's been I'm tired of using timer and rushing from behind to front of the camera. I need a model. hopefully I'll find one. But I also know that making things depend on other things just get your problems in a chain...

I'm enjoying the beggining of winter. I always feel that autumn is just too short. at least the whole cerimonial thing, the visual part of autumn... maybe there's some consolation for me. maybe winter will be windy and bring me some news. fresh air. a beautiful woman. or man...

when the phone rings

I have to confess guilty of those pre-judgement things lovers do. I'm crap at playing games and don't really like having to read between the lines. Basically, I'm no fortune teller and you're no crystal ball.

Said that, everytime the phone rings, after these long periods of silence, it's like the silence is not the only thing being broken. There's this constant flux inside of me that is broken; the rationality and peace is disturbed. I like noise, distorted sounds, I like you bursting the bubble around me. But you never get inside.

Gravitational state of mind, I sit and listen to all you have to say, I distract you with comments to avoid to answer questions, I keep the answers to myself. But you always sneak and get the information you want. it's the power you have over me that seduces me; the mystery surrounding your vague explanations and the reasons why you decided to call.

we talk silly, never like lovers. we pretend we don't know where we stand. but everytime we feel cold and distant, we go back to reactivate our connection; it's a circle of pleasure and trade. my vicious headache. I write it all to call it to an end, but there you stand, ahead of me, to read me and hold me and get me started again.

lovers don't share stories. they share memories and secrets.

we don't know what's in between our ends, but we know where to go when desire strikes.

dance till you drop... on your knees, down my...

yeah.

down my ... yeah.

could be anything, yeah?

I could bend alllllllll the possible ways.

super elastic.

Im glad my knee doesn't hurt anymore and that I'm slowly getting back to drinking again. finished the second part of "read too much, wrote too little" and now, am just waiting...

for... yeah ;)

Im happy. hope you are too.

burn!burn!burn!

literally... I was on fire. well, not really all of me. but my hand. Third degree burns as I was going to make some coffee last thursday morning. it still hurts, of course. But what it really got to me was the fact I never cared bout it too much at the time... simply rushed as much as possible to not miss the train and get at my work in time. insane.

looking at my left hand now makes me realise I'll get pretty bad scars. :( I'm no perfectionist, specially when it comes to bodies. I love the little marks and moes I have everywhere... but this burn is just gonna remind me of my stupidity. damn.

I'm looking foward to stay in and update somethings this weekend. I've been reading loads again, which is good. Making time to do all these little things I love and never find the mood for them. I guess it's always like that when you're trying to adapt to the new season. at least for me it's always been like that.

when the wrong goes right

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned how bad I am at making decisions. I don't have problems procrastinating, but I'm just terrible at long term judgments. It's so much easier just following your instincts, but unfortunately, not everything causes first impressions and therefore I can't base every move on my instincts.

I've been noticing that I do have a plan B for these "special ocasions". it's when I get absolutely too tired to change anything at all, when I simply don't have strengh to even think or re-avaluate situations, I simply turn around, hands up, and just let a word or two slip from my head. People around me usually get shocked and seem to get a perfect message from my mistaken words. Things change. for the better. how lucky I am. Or maybe, just too tired. No matter what, it's good to know it works for me.

Following the "one step at a time" process still hasn't got to me though. I can see it clearly how it ends up putting me behind schedule with so many things, but at least, keeping myself busy keeps me out of trouble. or so I like to believe it...

Have been watching some real good films recently. A matinee the other day to watch "Two days in Paris" got me absolutely tempted and I booked tickets to Paris. In a couple of months I'll be going then. I'm staying next to the Moulin Rouge, and aparently, an "Erotic Museum". I can't wait. I need a change of air. I don't know why, but I'm so sure I'll fall in love with the place. I'll let you know ;)

the eye who sees it all

Sometimes you find yourself seeking the things you already have and you don't know why. You think you're hungry, you want some food, but you just really need some spice... to make you taste things in a special way. That happens to me all the time. This whole rushing thing, hurrying to embrace everything and everyone who comes along the way, as if you don't take them along at the time they show up, they'll vanish from your life. that's starting to get changed. at least Im working on it. no hurries, no worries. just one step at a time.

wait... hang on... that's what "re-build your life" is all about?

I miss tons of things at the moment, but am so busy trying to get things going back to normal that when memories and deeper thoughts hit me, I'm caught by surprise, give myself a good drink and try not to think about it. one thing at a time, right?

But writing this from a cafe and not having my computer all set nor my camera loaded with new images really makes things harder. I keep thinking about how I got dragged to this photographic world and why. I can name people and I can remember places, I can go back in time and tell you exactly when it started... it seems like such a long time ago. I'm still thinking about where I wanna go with all this. or even... where can I go with this? Just needing directions at the moment. I feel now that I've got over some little things that got me stuck in my tiny flat. I wanna give faces or at least, some fresh energy to my imagination. Get some weird ideas out of my head and let someone else wear them. Treat it as a dreamland. Let my eye capture the beauty of the simple things, of the ordinary people. naked, of course... we'll see.

comfy seat

Excitment ahead I'm hoping. Some weird feeling of a little bit of adventure in the air. Slowly I seem to be getting back to normal. I wouldn't be going on about it too much yet, just in case... but I can't help getting excited.

I heard a little voice inside of me last time but won't do it again. promise. last thing I remember was avoiding eye contact, pretending nothing happened, denying the sexual tension, receiving a hug I would later know it was addictive. I think I might have got it all mixed up... people and memories and stories. reality and imaginary. naughty naughty. and still got the time to make the worst meal ever. thank goodness for his politness.

just feeling like it doesn't matter where I am... it always feels like I should actually be on a certain lap. does any of this make sense?