Please insert here your name

Yeah, you.

One of the presents I got for xmas was this beautifully handcrafted notebook. The cover's got some lovely green dry leaves on it. It smells like earth. like my childhood. I love it. I decided to make it a journal. a paper journal. My first entry was just so weird.

I actually stopped and thought through the whole thing: what do I really want to write about? it's a journal, so basically not only I can write the daily events but I have that sort of "sense of security" a journal gives. the privacy, the freedom of writing exactly what you think.

It got me thinking about anonymousness and the trap you fall into when you have freedom of expression in your hands. have you ever thought about it? have you ever lived that? Having so much freedom, not knowing what to do with it. not having excuses to be your true self. turning the joy of freedom of expression into fear of what can come out of it. This is not a complaint. not at all. it's just recognizing the price of things. pointing at the irony of the human nature and it's continous lack of directions or sense of certainty. Nothing major, you see.

As for the journal, well... I have my stories to tell. Specially reflecting about the last year, the past 3 years actually, since I moved here. the people I've met. the people I've loved. the people I still care about and are now gone. I came to realise that I will never be able to truly write about them openly to a crowd. I'll keep them anonymous to the world; and keep their importance anonymous to themselves. my most valuable treasure is hidden deep under my skin.

So when I'm always writing in first person, referring to the second person; honestly, you can consider "you" ... yourself. Reading this, already makes you a potencial part of my "art"; whatever that means. everything might sound very generic at times, but I'm hoping you can see a little bit of yourself in one or two words I write at times.

I read you, I see your pictures, I hear you, I heart you.

goodbye 2007, whatever you meant to be...

2007 was a real bitch.

Way too many bad things happening at the same time. I will never forget. It's all gone now. I'm really happy. But talking about this year always leaves a bitter taste on my mouth.

So I can say that in many ways, I'm so looking foward to what's coming next. Simbolically but mainly psichologically, the 1st of january will have such an important meaning to me. Nothing much will be happening. I agreed with friends we'll spend new year's eve in our pjs, having some healthy lentil soup, a fresh fruit salad as dessert maybe?, watching films, playing games. I think it's good to be doing what you really wanna do, instead of just what "society" tells you to do. to hell with fireworks, with loads of food waste, loads of money spent in booze. I want peace inside of me, surrounding me and the people i love. I am looking foward to that too.

I had a lovely christmas time. with friends over, a nice dinner and such special presents. Just forgot to take a picture!!!!!!!!!! which is ironic, eh?

Last week I had a real fright. I wasn't feeling great for a couple of hours, but decided to have a bath before going to bed anyway. during bath time my heartbeats started going really slow. I could hear the echoes in my head. it was almost as if I was getting suffocated with my heart in my throat. then the heartbeats started faster and faster, so loud in my head i despaired. I just remember standing up and trying to get some air. but the heartbeats were way too fast. I was still feeling suffocated. suddenly everything starts darkening and i faint on the floor, when trying to leave the bathroom for help. my luck was, when I fainted, my back hit the radiator, which had been on for a couple of hours. i burn some of my back and leg. what the hell.

I don't remember having gone through a fright like that. ever. I'm still not sure what that really was. but it could be high blood pressure. whatever it was, it made me a little bit more awake. I mean, for some weird reason, it made me really want to do things and actually do them. I won't be exactly listing them, but you get the idea. I've finally bought a new camera. which im not sure when will be arriving, but hey. no hurries. so long waiting for it, one or two weeks won't make a difference. It is not an SLR as I wanted and it is not a nikon either, but I think that for what I want to do just now, my new one will do the trick. I'll post a picture of it when it arrives!

I'm also updating my official website tomorrow.

Wishing you a very nice delicious sexy 2008. may this new year be great for all of us. much art and love in your heart.

xxxxx

melissa.

connections that can't never be broken

so good to hear from you again.

so good.

i'm making an entry in my time machine. share with you the nostalgia fuel that drove me on your path again.

some connections are forever.

you are forever.

goodbye good guy - from poisoned apple

you're a good guy, you know.
resisting me that way.

I hope you do stay the same.

I have to apologize. now I know,

I'm the poisoned apple.

sorry if I ever tempted you. You should know it's not intentional,

I just can't help wanting you

all this time.

still not sure if I wish you had surrendered

I would love to have you tasting me, I so wanted you to take a bite

i envy the control you have over this tension.

at the end the poisoned apple rottens...

but the good guy ends... as the good guy.

goodbye good guy.

let me guess

... as always. you come and go.

as fast as a rocket. slip through my fingers, never leave traces of your tempting existence.

and as always, you tease. you say you'll stay but you leave.

i bet a hundred bucks we won't meet.

damn our profecy.

...

On a bright note and not as poetic, well, things have been just normal. I've changed jobs; then changed my mood again and got back to what I was previously doing. It's been a "catching up" phase for so long now. I feel like properly starting new things. But knowing myself the way I do, I know that I better watch to not let things unfinished again.

I've been thinking a lot about the book! yeah! I want to get back to it. But I feel really down about my pictures. lack of inspiration maybe? I've been trying. But ideas don't really come to me that easily just now.

Probably the main problem's been I'm tired of using timer and rushing from behind to front of the camera. I need a model. hopefully I'll find one. But I also know that making things depend on other things just get your problems in a chain...

I'm enjoying the beggining of winter. I always feel that autumn is just too short. at least the whole cerimonial thing, the visual part of autumn... maybe there's some consolation for me. maybe winter will be windy and bring me some news. fresh air. a beautiful woman. or man...

when the phone rings

I have to confess guilty of those pre-judgement things lovers do. I'm crap at playing games and don't really like having to read between the lines. Basically, I'm no fortune teller and you're no crystal ball.

Said that, everytime the phone rings, after these long periods of silence, it's like the silence is not the only thing being broken. There's this constant flux inside of me that is broken; the rationality and peace is disturbed. I like noise, distorted sounds, I like you bursting the bubble around me. But you never get inside.

Gravitational state of mind, I sit and listen to all you have to say, I distract you with comments to avoid to answer questions, I keep the answers to myself. But you always sneak and get the information you want. it's the power you have over me that seduces me; the mystery surrounding your vague explanations and the reasons why you decided to call.

we talk silly, never like lovers. we pretend we don't know where we stand. but everytime we feel cold and distant, we go back to reactivate our connection; it's a circle of pleasure and trade. my vicious headache. I write it all to call it to an end, but there you stand, ahead of me, to read me and hold me and get me started again.

lovers don't share stories. they share memories and secrets.

we don't know what's in between our ends, but we know where to go when desire strikes.

dance till you drop... on your knees, down my...

yeah.

down my ... yeah.

could be anything, yeah?

I could bend alllllllll the possible ways.

super elastic.

Im glad my knee doesn't hurt anymore and that I'm slowly getting back to drinking again. finished the second part of "read too much, wrote too little" and now, am just waiting...

for... yeah ;)

Im happy. hope you are too.