Bang! Bang! you got me

Sometimes even the rain can't put you off going outside. I was downtown today just waiting to cross the street, waiting for the green light, looking to both sides and then just across the street, almost in my direction, I saw her.

I don't know her. But she saw me too. We quickly looked to the opposite direction, pretending we weren't there, opposite to each other. She was beautiful. I thought "well, no point in looking. she'll think I'm a freak", followed by "nah, i'll never see her again, better look while she's still there". and so I did.

She was looking back, I think she did feel the connection too. Coming out of nowhere, making us cross the street with our heads looking down, avoiding confrontation at first, but then staring at each other, watching each other go.

I know it sounds too romantic maybe, but it's been such a long time since I've actually gotten blown away by real female beauty so near me; physically within reach of my hands. I virtually stood a chance and let her go.

the wisdom tooth

After spending the last 5 days in pain, I went to the Hospital today. "your wisdom tooth is coming out and its just ripped your gum. you've got an infection". it is so painful. Under antibiotics and loads of water, juice and soup. all drank with the little help of my colorful straws.

I waited for a little while to be seen. I can't help but feel uncomfortable surrounded by strangers in pain and not being able to do anything about it. It's a weird situation and that's why I avoid going to doctors or hospitals at any times. If I do, I just hide in the corner and try to pretend I'm not there. Yep, I'm weird like that. I just really hate hospitals. I had one of Anais Nin's diaries with me so that kept me busy. It's the second time I read it and everytime I do it so, it all sound so fresh and meaninful. It's like my personal little "bible". so many thoughts and wisdom in there. so positive, honest and inspirational, specially if you're a woman.

I just got to the conclusion that I'll never get to finish any of my favorite books. I take such a long time to read them, and the closer they get to the last pages, the slower i get to read them. I think my procrastination is totally dissimulated. I'm not a lazy reader, just love to "enjoy" some words in a very intimate way; I like to know there's always gonna be a wise word or two near my bed any now and again I can't sleep or need inspiration.

Happy Birthday

So you got my present.

I want your presence

to be constant.

mission impossible.

I want to taste some of your cake from your lips.

save some for me.

happy birthday.

2 years in one day

Getting a letter from the H.O. this saturday and having to think seriously about my situation just got me totally nostalgic and homesick. Missing home, friends, family, job, my favorite bars, studio, you know, everything. That instant reaction of anger and lost of control took me out for a few drinks and probably saved me from taking a stupid precocious measure or something.

Walking in town, going places I've been these past two years, talking to friends, sometimes celebrating something, sometimes just giving vent to feelings, sometimes being naughty, others just being wrong and getting in trouble. Such a nice time I had, going for a retrospective in your head and actually physically being in all those places again in less than 24 hours, just walking and having a drink, sharing thoughts with a friend. Leaving home in the morning and coming back home at night, with that feeling of... have finally found natural call this place where I've been living the past years "home", for the first time.

That makes the nostalgia share space with a new feeling: melancholy. But in a good, good way.

Oh, the mess! I guess I shouldn't really mind. Sometimes boredom surprises you with a wave of events to shake you up. Not necessarily in a nice or gentle way, but still, changes are so necessary that if you don't do it yourself, there's always faith there, right on the corner, waiting you to turn your right (or left) and get disrupted. A little bit of a challenge. Of course, one of those that I would be happier in not having to deal with. But why not to see it as that? Isn't it what an artist is meant to be about? recycling (in this case memories and energy to keep going), or reinventing and/or creating (in this case, solutions)?!?!?

model? photographer? none?

Somebody had asked me the other day what I liked the most: to model or to take photographs? Now, I'm in no position to talk about categories or techiniques or whatever. But I can talk for myself and my photographs. I actually stopped to think about it and couldn't get to a final conclusion.

I've never considered myself as a "Model" as in, a professional way. The only reason why I started taking pictures with me in them, was simply because.... I couldn't find anybody to pose for me. Plus the fact I don't depend on scheduling anything; I take the picture when I feel like doing it so , no need to book appointments. That's the practical side. I got used to be in front of the camera, however, I'm still shy. And taking all this in consideration, I do feel like being in front of the camera gave me a certain freedom that I wouldn't have if I had just stayed behind it.

Taking pictures is a different business. I find that I use the pictures when I can put things into words. I like to feel the urge of expressing myself corroding my body and my brain. Turning the place upside down, rushing to get the idea right and set the timer before I just forget what I wanted to do. Before the "mood" is gone. Each click is a little thought, a little something that I carry with me and not always get the chance to put it out on a normal day, following the usual routine.

I think it's nice to mix. to set the timer and rush to position, to have a personal challenge that I'm still trying to get over with. Strange is I've taken so many years to get into this. Both are equally important for me as I try to figure out the different moods and traits sunk in me.

good intentions mood

It seems a deviant art page and a blog weren't enough for me. So I got my own website. Yep, you can check it out here if you wish. I'm uploading it later tonight, so bear with me if you go there early today and just find the annoying black page with the wee message on.

And the website is just one of the many things I still gotta do. I don't know about you, but I feel tempted by insights almost constantly. All the free time and energy I have I put into serious thoughts and with that, comes the ideas and with the ideas, the excitment, with the excitment, new projects, with new projects, procrastination. It seems I have so many good intentions and just little time. "Hell is full of good intentions", my mom would say.

I can't bear the thought of doing one thing per time. My nature - and I think this is mainly because I grew up in a huge city, developed the metropolis mentality-behaviour - is to be constantly busy; have no time to think about those other things in life (you know, real life), no time to get bored. Boredom is the word that scares me the most.

So I do my part. Or at least I try. And it's so rewarding to see things proliferating and having feedbacks and multiplying these good intentions of mine. The only bad thing is bad management of all that. And I'm trying to not get into that place. I've said it before and say it again, I have a feeling may will be a good month. it's gotta be. Hopefully full of good devious intentions ;)

introduction

Feeling too musical for an official and traditional introduction. I guess all you need to know about me will be said with that anyways. Or maybe you know it already. you are very welcome in anyway.

I don't know if it's the unexpected wave of heat in this country or what. But I do feel like my body and soul were floating on wishes and getting lost between possibilities I could never ever be responsible for. I walked through town so many times and still haven't found a cosy spot. Where I can just lean against a wall, watch people come and go, drink my coffee, write a note or two in my little brown notebook.

I've also been looking for the following things:

June Carter solo albuns
cheap tickets to Brazil
a nice photo frame to give a friend as a present
a little peace of mind
inspiration
real grape juice
my favorite soya milk
a nice and long hug from anyone who really desires me
any cool band/musician who's interested in having its music in my film.
scottish fanzines
a man with gooooooooood hands. or a woman. no discrimination ;)

I've been listening to Jesus and Mary Chain the whole afternoon. there's something about distorted guitars, witty lyrics and sunshine that really match.

Welcome to my world: feel insane, feel not quite great but never feel sorry. ;)