wrong turn

for all that remains and for all that vanishes.
the time has gone, will never stay. and I will never be sure where I really stand.
when it comes to what it's happening

the body follows a faint trace of dubstep
the heart beats faster than the body shakes

then the tears drop. drop down in an avalanche of emotions mixture. of mistaken assumptions. of despair and   no notion of where you are.

then clothes are teared off, anything flat can comfort, or maybe balancing on heels against a wall makes it all a big misunderstanding. the physical and animal makes the abstract and the emotion turn into a big bowl of bullshit.
so angry for letting it all take over. so sad to see it all gone.

there's a tic tac sound, stuck in my head, my bed, so far away, can't hold any of my thoughts, all of my weight wasted on the floor, seeking time.

I thought you were mine. that there was nowhere to hide anymore. no more of more. time turned you into gold. a treasure I've buried so deep, I cant dig you out.

But the traces remain evident. I follow the lines, the trick is on not leaving any marks.

"it will be ok. it will pass"

just like the words that came out of your mouth once. never stayed. you never stayed.

then another night wasted, permanent damage done, another stranger left wondering. legs shaking, the adrenaline running. pleasure running down the legs.

and its not about you. its about  need. my measurement of happiness. my immediate relief.
 all i need. all i need.

five minutes down my legs, whatever way you prefer.
release my pleasure in your hands
whisper you mistaken words.
push you away, leave no trace.

watch you go to be free again. I set you free and lock the door.

of ghosts

I come to wonder sometimes, what if all that was, all that existed, is still floating invisibly somewhere.
the feel of embrace around me, of all cold and warm things, is undeniable. I need caress.

Caress me as you explore. from inner thighs moving up, with your hands. looking down with your superiority guilt. hands down below, words stuck in your throat, I just need you to keep daring. I can suck all you cant say later on.

the pleasure is all mine.
 

truth sets in

If I were half as of a good person as I pretty much like to believe I am, I'd admit defeat.

enough.

and then again, you just pour words in bed as if saying them as I'm asleep will garante some sort of decent safety.

there's no safety involved in this. You get one move wrong and you can get me upset. for a very long, long time.

I wish you were noisy. i wish you were silent. i wish you'd be whatever you need to in order to make me feel like I am doing the right thing.

right now, im all wrong.

wrong in colours. wrong in truth.
wrong in lies and mess and chaos and whatnot.

the rest... the rest...

the rest is falling asleep at night and hearing the door opening and seeing you entering the room, jumping in my bed.
sunday mornings and non sense talk. stupid tease, your piercing look you give, whenever you want to say something but will never do it in case I'll hear it.

i miss all that.

and all these years, wondering about how we'd be, it was sort of ok to keep it that way, because i never had a taste of it, i never knew even if I wanted it. Now is harder because we had it and I dont know how to get it back.

of all the predictable things, the one that hurts the most, is to know you will blank me forever.

im sorry

I've lied.

to myself, to everyone around me who tried to squeeze truth and honesty out of me.

I've trapped my tiny intelligence in a room not even a single thought would fit in.

I've burned every piece of furniture i used as a seat, to rest, to wait, until wait was no more and all I did was to waste time. mine. yours. same as mine.

The words i cant say out loud mix with the words i wish id hear.

so lost, so lost now either i go back to where i came from, or i go nowhere at all.

there's no middle ground. there's no middle terms, there's no comfort zone anymore. i just wish your forgiveness comes whenever the words i dont want to hear, come out of me.

i do love you the way you know it.

truth or dare?

Instinct comes back by the shape of my past. It doesn't disturb me, it doesn't irritate anymore.

I've got immune to invisibility. Maybe I sank into the ultimate ego sea
of despair
of failures
of feeling numb
drawning and coming back to the surface,
just to breath the same old air you inhaled all your life. all the scents and remarkable memories associated to them.

a scratch that looks like a tattoo is the ultimate trophy of losers.

So it seems, I survived. the storm in the sea. Still looking for something to guide me. to lead me to a safe spot. on Earth.

I'm tired of dreams. Of lies and expectations. of deception and confusion. messages never said, lines never read. truth never told.

I want to live the truth. I want don't want to know it. I want to fucking live it!!

Under my feet there's only the floor that I once lied on, naked, wasted, spent, cover in cum and fake pleasure. the pleasure of pleasing others.

So nude, I never felt cold. Now, writing, I feel like the real exposure is coming. It's right at my door, knocking and ready to break in if I don't answer.
I will answer for all my acts of insanity if that's gonna help.

BUT IT'S NOT.

Everybody else is living a lie.

in hell. the one they built to themselves.

And all this time, I did think I was the one who had problems.

I only have nothing. and nothing is enough to make me sure something's wrong and changes are needed.

nothing's ever happened

And so the insensitive prospect of truth comes out
as you roll to the other side of the bed
and sink in your dreams of distance

I suffer.

The minute I decided to believe, to trust
that's the exact time of my death:
I failed at existing and sticking to what I am
In essence.

You betrayed me.

Not the romantic way. No love bullshit. I'm talking about using words to get what you want
I'm talking about misleading the hopeful folk who seek comfort when life's shit.
You just took advantage of my weakness.
my only moment of humanism, of bareness.

I still shiver when you are near and I can't touch.

I feel defeated when I think I opened my heart instead of my eyes.
I wish we had never happened.