in my head

When the room is empty of our stories, when the room is empty of our bullshit, I want nothing more than reality. I want to feel the anger inside my gut exploding down my legs. Make a puddle of my best, right on your stomach. Sitting on your crotch and staring at your devious face. I scream a fucking thousand thoughts in silence, all you hear is the occasional outside noise cutting through the windows and filling the room we are.

we are

a couple of accidents, of excuses we gave ourselves.

we are so wrong it doesn't feel right whatever it is that happens.

But we like it. it is not to say we don't get used to it. Like  your hands down my pants, pressing hard and trying hard, until we are both soaked in whatever happened to be my pleasure, to be my penitence too.

Here's a reason to sit on you again: get you moist as I please, then down on my knees, so I can lick it all off again.

in my head, it's the last time.

in my head

myriads

I was never sure what impact you'd have on me.
On my skin, you stayed for brief minutes, stained my face with your pleasure, bruised my lips. I was thirsty for you.

On the big corner sofa, so many words exchanged, so much time we spent just throwing memories, retelling stories that other ears wouldn't understand. I understand. your lips going down my legs, all I wanted.

Id crawl to you if I had to. Id throw myself in bed and retreat. Under a variety of moments, I stared at you, at your care. Maneuvering my body as if the most fragile piece you've ever handled. I still didn't understand by that point. Piercing you as I stared, I was somehow cursing you to be mine.

leaving was much of a rush, but of a rush also going through my head. my legs still shaking, my pleasure still running and sticking to the fresh clothes I've chosen to cover up any of my shame. I have no shame. urges come and go.

and when you are out there, in the field, hiding, running, hunting. I am also wandering, seeking the same. Our paths never to cross again even if all we have is this vivid impression that that would be possible.

I will be the taste you will crave half way through a random night hunting. the disappointment of never getting to see the same marks over each other again.

wrong turn

for all that remains and for all that vanishes.
the time has gone, will never stay. and I will never be sure where I really stand.
when it comes to what it's happening

the body follows a faint trace of dubstep
the heart beats faster than the body shakes

then the tears drop. drop down in an avalanche of emotions mixture. of mistaken assumptions. of despair and   no notion of where you are.

then clothes are teared off, anything flat can comfort, or maybe balancing on heels against a wall makes it all a big misunderstanding. the physical and animal makes the abstract and the emotion turn into a big bowl of bullshit.
so angry for letting it all take over. so sad to see it all gone.

there's a tic tac sound, stuck in my head, my bed, so far away, can't hold any of my thoughts, all of my weight wasted on the floor, seeking time.

I thought you were mine. that there was nowhere to hide anymore. no more of more. time turned you into gold. a treasure I've buried so deep, I cant dig you out.

But the traces remain evident. I follow the lines, the trick is on not leaving any marks.

"it will be ok. it will pass"

just like the words that came out of your mouth once. never stayed. you never stayed.

then another night wasted, permanent damage done, another stranger left wondering. legs shaking, the adrenaline running. pleasure running down the legs.

and its not about you. its about  need. my measurement of happiness. my immediate relief.
 all i need. all i need.

five minutes down my legs, whatever way you prefer.
release my pleasure in your hands
whisper you mistaken words.
push you away, leave no trace.

watch you go to be free again. I set you free and lock the door.

of ghosts

I come to wonder sometimes, what if all that was, all that existed, is still floating invisibly somewhere.
the feel of embrace around me, of all cold and warm things, is undeniable. I need caress.

Caress me as you explore. from inner thighs moving up, with your hands. looking down with your superiority guilt. hands down below, words stuck in your throat, I just need you to keep daring. I can suck all you cant say later on.

the pleasure is all mine.
 

truth sets in

If I were half as of a good person as I pretty much like to believe I am, I'd admit defeat.

enough.

and then again, you just pour words in bed as if saying them as I'm asleep will garante some sort of decent safety.

there's no safety involved in this. You get one move wrong and you can get me upset. for a very long, long time.

I wish you were noisy. i wish you were silent. i wish you'd be whatever you need to in order to make me feel like I am doing the right thing.

right now, im all wrong.

wrong in colours. wrong in truth.
wrong in lies and mess and chaos and whatnot.

the rest... the rest...

the rest is falling asleep at night and hearing the door opening and seeing you entering the room, jumping in my bed.
sunday mornings and non sense talk. stupid tease, your piercing look you give, whenever you want to say something but will never do it in case I'll hear it.

i miss all that.

and all these years, wondering about how we'd be, it was sort of ok to keep it that way, because i never had a taste of it, i never knew even if I wanted it. Now is harder because we had it and I dont know how to get it back.

of all the predictable things, the one that hurts the most, is to know you will blank me forever.

im sorry

I've lied.

to myself, to everyone around me who tried to squeeze truth and honesty out of me.

I've trapped my tiny intelligence in a room not even a single thought would fit in.

I've burned every piece of furniture i used as a seat, to rest, to wait, until wait was no more and all I did was to waste time. mine. yours. same as mine.

The words i cant say out loud mix with the words i wish id hear.

so lost, so lost now either i go back to where i came from, or i go nowhere at all.

there's no middle ground. there's no middle terms, there's no comfort zone anymore. i just wish your forgiveness comes whenever the words i dont want to hear, come out of me.

i do love you the way you know it.